


Problem Child

by therealmoyashi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Blood, Body Modification, Canon-Typical Violence, Castration, Dysfunctional Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Gore, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mild S&M, Multiple Personalities, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 15:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3697601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealmoyashi/pseuds/therealmoyashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let’s just say Suzuya wants more than Kaneki’s wallet and Kaneki likes more than Suzuya’s smell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted to my tumblr (VanillaGhostie), but I'm posting it here as well for organizational purposes. Thank you for reading.

“Well well well…” Suzuya snickered with an especially wide smirk as he felt the thickness of the leather wallet in his hand. Could this be a jackpot, perhaps? Blowing his bangs out of his face, he rummaged through the stolen item, humming an upbeat tune to himself with his legs swinging back and forth in a playful manner. “License, library card, school ID, some bookstore rewards card…” He tossed the wallet’s contents carelessly aside one by one, deciding what was useful. Damn. He was really hoping for a credit card, because this kid was close to broke. Suzuya picked up the ID once again, tossing his hair out of his eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. Kaneki Ken, huh? Same age as me. Suzuya’s smirk returned when he noticed the last card remaining. A work badge. Anteiku. The sewn up boy giggled, clutching it as an idea manifested itself like a thundercloud of bad intentions. Eye-patch waiter, let’s see if you’re any fun.

* * *

 

Kaneki was distraught. Slightly embarrassed, even. How could he have been so careless as to let some delicious-smelling mystery thief take advantage of him? Maybe Touka was right. He was hopeless to the core.

“Idiot! You didn’t even see what he looked like?”

“Why didn’t you report it?!”

“You can’t just let thieves walk all over you!”

Ah, the three who continued to scold him did have a very solid point. However, after dealing with a total creep like Tsukiyama, who had just tried to eat him, a pick-pocket didn’t seem all that harmful at the time. Besides, what’s the point of reporting it to the police if the thief had a mess of hair covering his entire face? But then again, there was that scent of his… Something sweet, like the chocolate desserts from the eyes of a child, just staring behind a glass window of a bakery with a watering mouth. But also rich, like it’s not just chocolate. A chocolate rum ball? A cherry cordial? Or maybe a stainless-steel razor melted within the finely crafted truffle, the melting chocolate on your tongue the first moment, but a mouth full of blood the next.

“Ne, Kaneki!” The voice of his best friend snapped him out of a trance he didn't realize he had fallen into. He hadn't even noticed his mouth began to water. Oh no, he thought, shuddering with slight disgust _._ _I’m acting like Tsukiyama! Ack!_  Tasteless.Besides, it’s not like I’ll be out hunting anytime soon. In fact, he prays the day will never come.

* * *

 

It wasn’t until a few days later he began to question his sanity. Morals, even. The cafe’s crowd was wearing thin this time of day, and closing time was only about an hour away. The last customer of the day (hopefully) left a tip and departed. The ringing of the door’s bell was almost music to Kaneki’s ears. Usually, it was time to start cleaning up and put the chairs up so Kaneki could finally head home for the day. Touka was already off studying for an important exam, and who knows where Nishki ran off to with his girlfriend.

Just as Kaneki began to wipe down the countertops, the ding! of the bell startled him.

“Good-evening~!” In walks a customer Kaneki has never seen around before. If he had, he definitely would have noticed. The slender figure pretty much danced over to plop down at the bar stool closest to Kaneki as possible, even leaning forward with their knees up on the cushion, both elbows on the wood counter. Yes, definitely a new face. Could this be his first time here? Better yet, was this a boy or girl? Peering down into the exposed chest of this stranger, thanks to the first few button undone, the lack of cleavage answered his question.

Not wanting to leave a bad first-impression by staring, Kaneki flashed his typical customer-greeting-smile, even though he was slightly embarrassed. “Hello, welcome, is there anything I get for you?”

“Something sweet, of course~!” the customer sang. “Surprise me.”

This person was beyond intriguing. From their hair, those clothes, and the interesting patterns of stitches swirled around his body like a serpent. His age was hard to pinpoint, especially with his high voice and slender frame. He shouldn’t be one to judge, though. Kaneki also appeared slightly young for his age as well, so know knows?

“Here you go!” Kaneki smiled, setting down a glass mug in front of the boy, who exclaimed in enthusiastic joy. “Careful, it’s steaming ho-”

Kaneki was shocked to see the customer down half the glass without the slightest problem.

“Yummy!” He said, licking up whipped cream from the corner of his stitched mouth. “You sure read my mind, Ka-ne-ki~!”

Kaneki instantly tensed and went into a defensive state of mind. He knew his name. Who was this person? Were they after him? How did he-

“I believe I found something that belongs to you, no?” The boy grinned and held up a familiar wallet that had gone missing only a few days before. “You’re Kaneki, right?” He took out the ID in the wallet and compared the picture to the real thing. “You sure are! Except that eyepatch of yours is a new addition! Lemme see, lemme see, please~!” He was almost crawling across the counter toward Kaneki, who was in the midst of having a mini heart attack at the forwardness of this person.

“N-no! Hold o- Ah!”

Just as the white-haired fellow managed to loop a finger around the elastic band, Kaneki grabbed his wrist which, surprising the both of them, caused the kid to lose his balance on the counter and completely head-butt Kaneki right on the forehead as they tumbled to the floor.

“Owww…” Kaneki rubbed a hand on his newly forming bump, groaning at the soreness.

It was then when he realized the other person was kneeling between his legs, tense and unmoving. Silent. The kid’s face was buried in his neck right near his collarbone.

“U-um.” Kaneki was about to stand up, but was abruptly shoved back done by an arm, more powerful than it appeared on the surface.

“Don’t. Move.” His voice was serious for the first time that night, and Kaneki was intimidated by the entirety of the situation, flustered in confusion.

“W-what’s wrong?” Kaneki stuttered, barely breathing.

“I’m STUCK, dammit!” All the seriousness of his voice completely flushed away to a childish whine and flailing arms. “I’m caught, I’m caught! Wah~!”

Kaneki looked down and finally comprehended what was going on. It was so ridiculous, he chuckled. Then, that chuckle exploded into a burst of laughter at the comical awkwardness of it all. Here, this stranger was, with the thread of his lips caught onto the button of his shirt collar. How absurd was the position they were in, looking like a couple of stumbling, drunk fools.

Suzuya, despite being caught like a fly in a web, was delighted at his waiter’s change in attitude. Soon enough, they were both cracking up, even though the thread was tugging his lip at a strange angle.

After calming down, Kaneki sighed. “Here, let me see… “ He failed to detach this trouble-maker of a person from his collar. In fact, he may have made it even worse. Suzuya sighed.

“Sorry, am I hurting you? It’s really caught…”

“I’m just gonna pull, kay?”

Blood. The bakery. The rum balls. The cordial cherries. And the razor blade, all in one whiff.

“H-Hey!” Kaneki stuttered at the sight of blood dripping down a torn lip. Suzuya, on the other hand, sighed in what seemed to be annoyance. He licked his lip and tugged out the culprit– a bloody thread that had been previously sewn around the bottom corner of his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Kaneki asked in honest concerned, hiding the fact that his ghoul-eye was pulsing like a heartbeat under his eyepatch. Thank god it wasn’t tugged on in the fall.

“Of course not!” He whined in response, a pout on his bleeding lips. “Now I gotta wait for this to heal just to look pretty again. Mama would be so disappointed…” He mumbled that last part to himself mostly. “Oh well.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Kaneki asked in concern, taken aback by the lack of pain the other seems to be expressing.

“Naaah~ Unless you’re a healing wizard?” He got so intensely close, their noses touched, but Suzuya giggled a second later. “Here,” he said, taking Kaneki’s hand and expertly tying the bloodied thread around his finger into a little bow. Kaneki blushed at the action.

“I’ll be back soon, Mr. Waiter. Count on it. Remember me: Suzuya Juuzo. Maybe next time I’ll get to see what’s under that eyepatch, hm~?”

With that, Suzuya jumped up with a stretch and placed some cash on the counter before making his exit.

Kaneki stood up and picked up his wallet. Empty, of course. Glancing at the money on the counter, he realized it was exactly three-thousand yen. The same amount he had in his wallet before it was stolen. Suddenly, it clicked.

Goddammit. That Suzuya is a problem child.


	2. Chapter 2

The November days pass without many crucial events to take note of, besides the weather growing colder by each descending horizon. Soon, each breath Kaneki took was a white puff in front of his face, a reminder that he should probably buy a thicker coat. Just the mere thought of a winter snowfall also reminded him of that strange, yet almost welcoming situation he found himself in only days before. Suzuya Juuzou, his name was. A strange kid with even stranger tendencies. Not to mention that smell, just tempting Kaneki to take a long whiff,  _no, a nibble, just a tiny tiny taste– Crap_ , he thought, holding a hand over his covered ghoul-eye, mentally scolding himself. To soothe his growing hunger, he closed his eyes, taking in deep breath in order to rid his mind of the filth of eating another human-being. _I could never do that to Suzuya… He’s…_  He shook his head again, thinking fondly of the red thread he kept in his wallet.

“Hey idiot, get your head outta the gutter,” Touka chastized from the other side of the counter. “You still have to finish waiting on your last table before your break. And I’m not helping.”

With a sigh, he threw on a friendly smile for his last table before his “lunch” break.

* * *

Throwing on his coat, Kaneki sped out the front door of Anteiku despite Touka’s displeased remarks regarding today’s effort. She did not believe it was up to par. He brushed off her words, laughing out a “Yeah, yeah, I know!” while twisting on a lid to his coffee mug that he took to-go. He made it outside into the chilly air, as the younger waitress inside yelled out one last “Dumbass!” before the door closed, cutting her off. Kaneki sighed with a smile, knowing that it would only earn him a coffee cup to the head when he returned.

That’s when the smell hit him again.

The moment he caught wind of it, his head shot up to face the source of the enticing scent, and there he was, standing before him with the widest grin he’d ever seen. Suzuya.

“Suz–”

“KANEKI~!”

Suddenly, the weight of the white-haired maniac crashed against the oblivious Kaneki, the impact almost sending the two of them toppling over, practically mimicking the night they shared days prior. This time, Kaneki almost saw it coming, and caught the boy by the waist awkwardly while the other squeezed the life out of him. It would have been nice if oh god that smell wasn’t so deliciously close and delectable _I could just sink my teeth right in–_

Before anymore ideas could resurface, Suzuya pulled away flashing a mischievous smirk. “Did you miss me, my Mr. Eyepatch?” He teased, tracing the outline of Kaneki’s eye through the cloth of said object, causing Kaneki to step back against the cafe door.

“I-I was just thinking about you actu– Hey wait a minute!” Kaneki took the boy’s wrist. “You were the one who stole my wallet! You can’t just show up, hug me, and pretend like nothing happened. I could turn you over to the authorities if I wanted to.”

“Oh~? Hmmm.” Suzuya closed his eyes and rubbed his chin, as if in deep thought. His eyes shot wide open. “But you don’t want to, do you? I only borrowed it. I gave it back, remember?” The shorter boy leaned in, those eyes narrowing as that smirk returned. “Besides, I don’t think the ‘authorities’ want to see me again…” He giggled, remember his last encounter with a police officer.

“Well.. I guess you did give it back. I don’t know why you did it in the first place, though.”

“I just wanted to buy some sweets!” Suzuya proclaimed, clapping his hands together, his smile beaming. “But I found something better.”

Kaneki blushed at this. He really was like a girl in some ways. That long, white hair that waved at the ends. Big eyes with the most gorgeous color, like a deep bloody fuchsia. And that figure for god’s sake, like a tiny little– Hey wait, this kid’s not even wearing a coat.

“Aren’t you cold?!” Kaneki asked in a fret. The kid’s wearing slippers and mid-calf dress pants, how is he not shivering like crazy?

“I’m fine!” he waved it off like it was nothing but a mere annoyance. “I came here to see you, but looks like you’re going somewhere. Drats~” He shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to make a dramatic show of disappointment. However, Kaneki still felt bad that the kid was walking around in the cold just to see him. Him only… Kaneki blushed.

“I… just got on my break actually. I was heading toward my apartment to get something to eat. You…can tag along if you’d like. I mean, I’d hate for you to leave, I mean! Uh-”

“Yay!” Suzuya exclaimed, hooking his arm around Kaneki’s. “Lead the way!”

_What have I gotten myself into?_

* * *

Kaneki debated whether or not it was a careful decision to allow this eccentric boy into his apartment as he watched him bounce off the walls with energy like no other. First, he zoomed around with his arms spread out wide like a bird pretending to be an airplane, all the while exclaiming how much nicer this place was compared to his current place of living.

“Where do you live, exactly?” Kaneki asked out of curiosity.

“Where the fun takes me!” Suzuya replied, bending backward into a handstand, then cartwheeling onto the couch.

“W-whoa, you sure are flexible,” Kaneki blushed slightly as he watched the pale skin before him stretch. He even got a glimpse of the boy’s navel, the red body stitching standing out against the white abdomen. The eye-patched ghoul took a seat next to the boy, showing a small smile. “Are you big on gymnastics? I’ve done some reading on the subject actually…”

Suzuya’s eyes flickered for a moment before flashing a smirk that made Kaneki freeze. “I had to!” The corners of his lips twitched as a memory was repressed. “I can do all sorts of things. Maybe I’ll show you if I can get a peek under your eye-patch, Ka-ne-ki~”

“Eh m-maybe some other time!”

“Hm?” Suzuya hummed, trapping Kaneki with his hands on either side of his body. “But I wanna know!”

Cheeks burning, Kaneki felt his entire face growing hotter by the second. Suzuya was getting closer. His smell was irresistible and his eye was so close to turning, it was an impossible internal struggle.  _Please don’t take it off… You can’t know…_ He silently pleaded with Suzuya as those long, slender fingers gently caressed his cheek in an almost teasing manner. His thumb pressed down into his cheekbones, daringly close to the covered eye.  _No, no…_

Instead of swiping it off, a pair of lips were pressed down in a swift peck on the covered eyelid, making Kaneki flinch and instantly become even more flustered. “I can wait, though!” Suzuya giggled.

Kaneki felt like he almost had a heart attack.

* * *

Suzuya groaned in frustration. “Why don’t you have anything good to eat! Don’t you have snacks?!”

At the moment, Suzuya was rummaging through the refrigerator and pantry in desperate search for something sweet. However, he found the fridge to be almost completely bare. And to top that off, whatever was in there was mysteriously expired or seemingly untouched.

“S-sorry about that. Haven’t gotten groceries in a while I guess…” Kaneki was visibly nervous as Suzuya invaded his kitchen with those stitched hands and prying eyes.

“Is coffee all you ever drink? I tried some once and it was… yuck! Bad, bad!”

“Well, you do live off sweets, don’t you? I’d suggest you put in more sugar or something. I do that with mine,” Kaneki explained while taking a sip of his hot beverage he grabbed from the cafe.

“So it’s yummy? Lemme try!” Suzuya tried to grab it, but was doomed as Kaneki did not allow it, remembering the special “sugar cubes” that resided in the cup as well. “Not fair,” the boy whined. “I wanna know what’s so special about it in the first place!” And in a flash, the white-haired investigator grabbed a hold of Kaneki’s shirt and pulled their lips together, much to the ghoul’s embarrassment. Prying the shy, unwilling lips open with a forceful tongue, Suzuya slid his in with ease, tasting the remnants of Anteiku’s coffee in the other’s mouth. He decided he liked it, maybe. He also decided he wanted more, maybe… He continued.

Kaneki on the other hand, was grasping onto control with every fiber of his being. Oh god, oh god. This is torture. This is hell. If he wasn’t a ghoul, he was sure he’d enjoy this like any ordinary person. The problem was, he was enjoying this way too much and for the wrong reasons entirely. Suzuya even tasted sweet and it was intoxicating. He wanted to respond, oh, just taste it deeper, _deeper than anything else, just to nibble on that lip and rip those threads out for the second time, lick the open wound, and damn it._

The smaller of the two pulled away, but kept his lips lingering against Kaneki’s, trying to figure out what his taste buds were telling him. He closed his eyes and sighed. “You taste like blood.” He whispered this oh-so-softly, without fear.

_Slam._

Their positions were instantaneously reversed. It was now Kaneki towering above little Suzuya, whose body was now pressed forcefully against the wall, wrists pinned on either side of him by the work of Kaneki’s tight grip.

He was pushed to his breaking point and now the situation was out of his hands.

His ghoul-eye activated and pulsed like never before. The sight of Suzuya’s slender neck exposed before him was an unbearable reminder of his desire, his need to taste and devour. But in what way, he wondered? He mind was pure static with the addition of those voices in the back of his brain screaming at him to  _feed, feed, feed. Taste._

Without a word, he desperately pressed their lips together harshly. With a tiny gasp, Suzuya complied and picked up where he left off before, his tongue roaming around this new territory, all his to explore. Loosening the grip of the boy’s wrists, Kaneki instead slid a knee between Suzuya’s slender thighs, parting them with ease. With a squeeze, he lifted the boy up against the wall, pressing their bodies together just to let the other know how turned on he really was.

Suzuya’s head was in the clouds at this point. Never before had he allowed anyone to come in contact with him so…intimately. What surprised him the most was his body’s reaction to Kaneki’s unexpected display of dominance. In majority of situations regarding his current life, Suzuya wanted to have control of the present. Control of his prey. Control of his body. Control of his mind and all the splits and curves each personality presented. After becoming orphaned and placed under the watchful eye of the CCG, Suzuya never allowed any human or ghoul to have the upper hand ever again.

But this? This was different. The young investigator found himself wrapping his arms around Kaneki’s shoulders for dear life. This sensation was like no other he’d ever felt before. The exhilaration was similar to the thrill he received while in battle. The racing heartbeat and the hot blood pumping in his veins…

Neither of them really knew what they were doing, besides that it felt amazing.

Taking the arms snaked around his neck as a sign of encouragement, Kaneki groped Suzuya’s lower back, proceeding further down, earning a mewl in response. To stop himself from sliding down the wall, Suzuya twisted his legs around Kaneki’s waist, wanting his entire body pressed up against the other’s warmth.

As Suzuya did this, Kaneki nipped at the boy’s lip in frustration. The soles of Suzuya’s feet were massaging right into the patch of skin where Kaneki’s Rinkaku lie dormant, slowly being stirred from its slumber. God. Oh God. It’s going to come out, damn, control it, control it.  _No no, control him, hold him down, just a taste just a tinytinylittletastejustlookathimhe’sbeggingforithewantsyou he wants you to makehimwrithemakehimscream you love that smell-_

The taste of blood filled Kaneki’s mouth the instant he lost all control, in order to satisfy the monster inside him from doing something he’d regret. From killing someone he was fond of. Suzuya. He froze when he regained his senses.

“…?” Suzuya stared with wide eyes, feeling the warm tingle of blood trickle down his neck, unaware that he’d received a wound at all.

The two of them were deathly still trying to comprehend the situation. One of them, knowing that his secret may have just been revealed to someone he was starting to really care about, that he’d just fucked up any chance he had at continuing to stay close, that he’d hurt him and now that was blood running down his neck at the cause his own loss of self-control.

In one swift motion, Suzuya maneuvered all of his body weight to force Kaneki to come tumbling down on his back, the smaller of the two straddling his hips as the both of them came tumbling down onto the kitchen floor. As pleasant as the position might have been ten minutes prior, it wasn’t what Kaneki was expecting as the sudden snap of a switchblade filled his ears before he cool steel was firmly pressed against his throat.

“Kaneki,” he whispered in an uncharacteristically low tone, those insanely huge eyes widening. “Look what you did, this will leave a scar. Mama will be cross with me.” The boy could only dig the blade in harder, until the familiar sight of blood made itself known.

And it stung like hell.

Kaneki flinched and grabbed a hold of the bony wrist only inches away from his face, contorted from the painful burning that this wretched weapon inflicted. How is that even possible? _Knives can’t hurt ghouls, so how_ … “S-Suzuya!”  _How can this kid be so damn strong?_  He can’t be any taller than 5’2”, and he’s skin and bones. So why couldn’t he simply overpower him? But the crazed expression in those eyes were telling him he wasn’t going to stop anyone soon, and the pain was only becoming more unbearable. Force was needed. “Snap out of it!” Instead of yanking Suzuya’s hand away like he’d wanted, Kaneki instead felt compelled to twist the boy’s tiny wrist back, all the while squeezing until his knuckles turned white. It wasn’t until a small ‘pop’ sounded that the blade was dropped to the floor.

“What did you do, what is this, what…” Suzuya seemed more shocked at his hand’s inability to move rather than the fact that he should be experiencing extreme discomfort and pain, his newly sprained wrist limp and unmovable.

Kaneki, relieved that the weapon was now away from his throat, now turned his concern over to the confused boy still holding him down with his weight.

“Suzuya! Suzuya… I’m sorry. A-Are you okay?” Gently taking the boy’s hands in his, Kaneki inspected the damage. The injured wrist was already beginning to swell, and forming bruises as the seconds passed. How is he not showing any signs of physical pain?

The soft contact caused Suzuya to flinch away.

“Why are you sorry?” The investigator asked quietly, more to himself than anything.

“Because, obviously I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to hurt you. Because… I like you, and I messed up.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” the investigator smirked. “How can I kill anyone with a hand I can hardly move? And this blood has ruined my only good shirt.Tsk.”

“E-eh…?”

Suzuya used his mobile hand to grab the collar of Kaneki’s shirt, pulling him in for a peck, licking his lips. “Now you taste like me, I kinda like it.” With a shrug, Suzuya stood up, taking note of the time. “See you soon, Ka-ne-ki~”

With that, the boy left, the sound of the door shutting jolting Kaneki from his state of shock, a million questions making his brain hurt. _So does he not know I’m part ghoul…?_  he wondered, picking up the fallen blade that Suzuya left behind. _What kind of knife can hurt a ghoul, anyway?_ He caressed the slice on his neck that was taking a longer time to heal than it should.

It was then he realized how ridiculously late he was for his next shift at the cafe.

_God dammit. That Suzuya…!_

* * *

 

Kaneki let out a distressed groan as he entered the door of his apartment, removing his shoes in the process. That Touka definitely gave him a mouthful for being so late, and it only made matters worse that he couldn’t come up with a good excuse. But that wasn’t even the worst part. It was the embarrassment he felt when she made a comment about how he smelled different than the usual, signature scent of his half-ghoul self.

He avoided her like the plague.

After a hot shower to relieve the ache in his stressed muscles, he dressed for bed, failing to notice the lump under the covers that shifted in a light slumber.

A soft snore caught his attention, forcing him to drop the book he grabbed from his shelf of collections.

“What the… Eh?” Immediately on guard, Kaneki made his way to the foot of the bed, his kagune stirring in defense. When he got close enough, however, the smell was unmistakable. “Suzuya?! What are you doing here?”

The sleeping boy groaned and opened one eye to inspect the figure standing before him.

“Ne, Kaneki, I was waiting for you,” he replied in a yawn, sitting up, and stretching his arms above his head of messy, white hair.

Kaneki couldn’t restrain himself from ravishing the boy with his eyes, peeking at the white expanse of stitched skin. He was wearing a loose, black tank-top that made it too easy to be filled with perverted thoughts, especially with the top few buttons undone.

It was then he saw the large bandage covering the spot on the boy’s neck where Kaneki took a bite. Not only that, but his wrist was also wrapped and covered with a velcro cast. Guilt instantly took over.

“You went to see a doctor, I see…”

“Sorta. The place I work covers it. I didn’t care, but they insisted~” He shrugged nonchalantly. “Now come here. You’re gonna be the big spoon!”

Suzuya pulled the flustered ghoul under the cover with him, regardless of his half hearted protests. Kaneki was tucked into bed with the other boy, pressed up against Suzuya’s backside, as if they’ve done with a million times. It almost seemed normal, if it wasn’t for the fact that Suzuya broke in here somehow. Oh, and that this was only their third encounter.

“Hey, uh,” he started “How did you get in here…?”

“Window.”

“Why…?”

“Hmm,” the investigator turned his head, giving Kaneki a light peck on the forehead. “This is where the fun is.”


	3. Chapter 3

Life for the next few days gave Kaneki second thoughts about his life as a ghoul. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as horrific as he once believed in the beginning. How could it be? If he hadn’t become a ghoul, then he never would have been employed at Anteiku. And if he’d never been employed at the cafe, he would have never had that chance encounter with the oddball named Suzuya.

The kid was something else.

Each and every day after his visit to Kaneki’s apartment, Suzuya would follow the exact nightly routine of climbing in through his window, somehow, someway, and crawling into his bed no matter what hour at night. Kaneki’s favorite parts of their little system was leaving his window unlatched for Suzuya, then coming home from work or school to find the smaller boy passed out in his bed. What he adored the most was the early mornings, when one of them would wake up before the other, usually Kaneki, and he’d just observe the peacefully sleeping Suzuya in that calm state of tranquility. That was when the ghoul admired the other uninterrupted. He felt composed enough to actually smile and reach out a hand, touching him without the fear of breaking him by mistake.

To his relief, it seemed that the more time he spend around Suzuya, the longer he could sustain self-control over his ghoul-like symptoms. Suzuya certainly did have some unexplainable effect on him, but he was learning to suppress it. The agony of the smaller investigator’s teasing was enough to drive him into a frenzy at times, however. Suzuya was doing everything in his power to be the definition of temptation. From showing off his skillfully elastic limbs to being the most restless little spoon in the entire world, Suzuya definitely knew how to allure his frsutrated little waiter.

Most nights, they’d end up tangled up in each other once Suzuya’s squirming ass became too much to handle. The two boys were ravelled up like a knot, unable to break loose until the night grew much too dark and their eyes felt heavy. They didn’t want to stop, though. They’d do anything to draw-out the night for as long as possible. Kaneki would fall asleep to the whimpers and sighs of his lover, as they grew quiet, almost like wisps of air escaping his tiny lips.

Then in the morning, the light would shine through the window, exposing their  pale bodies, marked with the dark red of possession, a reminder from the night before.

Suzuya would never allow Kaneki to touch below the waist, though, which he was perfectly fine with of course. He just always wondered why that was. Does he want to wait? Is he nervous? Does he not want to go that far? These are all questions Kaneki asked. However, he was content with the limits that were placed. It’s not like he had much experience with sex, anyways. It was peculiar, though, because Suzuya, being the daring one as usual, would love touching him wherever, whenever. His fingers would always trace the font of his pants when they fooled around, and Suzuya would smirk at the way Kaneki desperately held onto control. And the first time Kaneki’s hand dared to even go anywhere near the area between Suzuya’s hips, the smaller male stopped the hand before the thought could hope ever to materialize. “No,” he had uttered sternly, a crazed look on in his panicked eyes, before his expression softened once he remembered the compassionate nature of who he was talking to. “Not yet.” Kaneki smiled and nodded, and they held hands that night instead.

It’s not like the other boy didn’t enjoy it, though. He was usually the one to initiate any form of physical contact. He’d pull Kaneki on top of him, wrapping those slender legs around his waist and trapping him as their bodies moved, feeling the heat and dampness of their body’s sweat. Suzuya would whisper these crazy dirty things in his ear, things that would make the devil cringe in embarrassment, and Kaneki secretly loved it. He loved how fucked up Suzuya was in the way he behaved, like a child at times, but with a long list of curses on the tip of that mischievous tongue.

On the nights when Kaneki got off work early, and he knew Suzuya was patiently anticipating his arrival, he’d pack some pastries for him just because he loved how ecstatic Suzuya became when presented with sweets of any kind. Touka would eye him with suspicion, but never question him regarding his behavior. He was thankful for it, because the situation as a whole was something not anyone could hope to understand or relate to.

It was crazy, but he was content with that.

Kaneki entered his dimly lit apartment, sometime close to nine, and threw off his coat and shoes as usual. With his box of goodies in hand, he made his way to the bedroom where he knew his new little roommate waited.

“Kaneki~” the boy sang, bending backwards to meet eyes with the other male. “Are those for me?” He winked, poking his tongue out followed by a teasing little giggle that made Kaneki smile in amusement.

Suzuya was currently stretched out on the floor doing the splits, the furniture moved in a way as to give him more space for his nightly exercises. Pressing both palms to the floor, he slowly lifted himself off the floor with his legs still completely spread wide. He appeared to be extremely concentrated tonight, his eyes closed and focused on his evening breaths.

Kaneki adored it when he caught Suzuya with his limbs stretched and twisted in those ridiculous angles. It was as if he was watching an acrobat at a circus performance warming up for a show. Nothing too dangerous, just Suzuya making due with the small amount of space available. Kaneki wondered what kinds of things Suzuya could do if he had all the space in the world. The flexible boy told him about all of the insanely difficult moves he was able to do. Flips and cartwheels, knife throwing too, of course. Kaneki deeply regretted injuring his wrist, preventing the other male from partaking in what he loved. But now, the torn ligaments in his wrists were healing up nicely, so he was testing the waters in how far he could push it without collapsing.

Whenever Kaneki pressed for more details on his life and interests, like why he was so passionate about gymnastics or why he needed it, Suzuya would shut down. Cut him off. Ignore him. Change the subject. Kaneki stopped asking after the first couple of times. It was obviously a topic he tried to avoid. Suzuya usually responded with “it’s for work,” but Kaneki wondered what kind of “work” that implied.

He blushed and nervously scratched his head. “Y..you’re not an exotic dancer…are you?”

Suzuya paused, locking his intense eyes with Kaneki’s even though his were darting around the room in a fret. The investigator smirked, seeing the perfect opportunity to tease his squirming prey. “Hmmm? Me, a stripper?” Suzuya stood up slowly before prowling over to the red-faced Kaneki who was currently sitting on the edge of the bed. “Why do you think that?”

“Well, um… you’re just, really…attractive.”

“Oh?” the other replied, straddling his hips. “You want a show?”

“Suzuya!”

He couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. Suzuya burst out laughing at the embarassment painting all over Kaneki’s flustered face. It was too much to handle.

“Too easy,” Suzuya giggled and poked his nose.

“Oh whatever, maybe I shouldn’t have brought you snacks.”

“What! No no no nooo don’t be like that! Kanekiiiiiii!” Suzuya whined childishly, clinging onto Kaneki in some form of an apology. The ghoul could only chuckle and hand Suzuya the bag in his hand, much to the investigator’s rejoice.

* * *

That night, the two held each other tighter than usual, neither knowing exactly why. It just felt like something they had to do. Neither got much sleep, after all.

Kaneki couldn’t keep his mouth off Suzuya’s neck. His scent was always the strongest in that area directly below his ear, on that fleshy part where his pulse raced uncontrollably. Suzuya was probably half asleep by now, but the sounds he made encouraged Kaneki not to let him go.

Whenever they went on like this for too long, Kaneki’s personality would do that flip, and Suzuya would shudder when he took control and dominated him so possessively.

Nipping at a particularly sensitive patch of skin, Kaneki took in a long inhale and tightened his grip on Suzuya’s hips. “You always smell amazing.”

“I know,” the other moaned when that spot was given more attention.

“You’re mine.”

“I know…yeah. I am…”

 _Mine._  What exactly did it all mean, Suzuya wondered? To own someone else like property? Like an object, maybe? Who knows… That’s just how it felt at that moment _. I’m his, but I’m also mine. What part of me is his?_  He couldn’t stop himself from think about the twins he used to know back at the CCG orphanage and academy. They were a part of each other, but they were also their own persons. There was no physical bond tying them. What could it all mean?

* * *

The next day, sometime during the late afternoon, Suzuya repeated his daily routine of entering his lover’s apartment through the bedroom window.

He waited, like he always did.

But it was nearly 1AM and he was still alone.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been since early December that Kaneki suddenly vanished from Suzuya’s life.

He left no trace whatsoever. The morning they parted for that last time, Kaneki left with nothing but his work uniform and the coat on his back, nothing else. He had begged him not to go, desperate for some extra time together since his employers weren’t very pleased with his tardiness and insisted he put in more effort. Suzuya clinged to him with a powerful grip one could only describe as a childish attempt at persuasion.

“I’ll be back here before you know it, don’t worry,” he chuckled.

Suzuya groaned. He hated not getting his way. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

With a kiss to the forehead, Kaneki left.

* * *

It had been days since then.

Suzuya hadn’t even the slightest clue as to where the other male could have possibly gone, or why he’d leave without saying a word. The boy looked everywhere. The university, the cafe, which was closed for a few days, much to Suzuya’s concern.

Even when Kaneki was nowhere to be found, Suzuya still waited in that empty apartment, curled up in the sheets trying not to think about the eerie chill that went down his spine as the cold bed made him shiver to sleep. He’d wake up feeling empty, and that confused him until it made his head pound.  _What was this? What was this feeling?_  The closest thing he could think of was the dull memory of pain before the concept was entirely numb to him. He thought of the nights he spent in a puddle of his own blood and bile, the stench and gore forever etched behind his eyes.

He screamed.

* * *

“Suzuya, we’ve been called upon for a new assignment,” Special Class Investigator Shinohara sat across from Suzuya, who was in the midst of re-creating a new pattern of stitches on the palm of his hand.

“Ah Shinohara-san,” Suzuya grinned, “something boring again?”

“Not this time, Suzuya.” The grave tone in the superior investigator’s voice peaked Suzuya’s interest. “Commander Itsuki Marude has assembled us as part of a unit of the CCG’s best investigators, at his request. That includes you, Suzuya.”

The younger investigator hummed, giving his stitches a tug as he smirked.

“What’ll it be, this time, Shinohara-san~?”

“It’s called the 11th Ward Special Countermeasures Unit. We believe that the Aogiri Tree hideout has been located. The details are in the the case file.” With that, the man pulled out an envelope from his briefcase and slid the documents over to his underling, who continued with his body modification.

“Suzuya,” he sighed, “are you listening?”

“Of course~ We’re gonna have a lot of fun. I’m gonna get to kill a lot of ghouls soon… I can’t wait.” His smirk widened as his eyes flickered with a darkness that could only be described as bloodlust.

“Ah, Suzuya, you should be taking this a bit more seriously. This isn’t going to be a simple mission like digging up information like we usually do. We’re investigators, but we’re also soldiers. Do you understand? There’s a great possibility we could encounter One-Eye. We could easily be killed if we’re not focused.”

“What’s the big deal, Shinohara-san~? It doesn’t matter if we live or die. Everyone dies.”

The elder investigator shook his head and chuckled. “That’s some way of thinking. Isn’t there someone out there who you’d be upset over if they were killed?”

Suzuya froze. That pounding in his head was creeping up on him again, and he tugged verociously on the needle that pierced his skin.

“I…” he trailed off, a painful pulse of memories flooded his vision.

“Hm?” the other man questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Suzuya hissed spitefully before he impaled the small sewing needle into his wrist, wishing that the sensation of pain could tear him away from his confusing thoughts.  _Fuck everyone. Fuck him._

_Why couldn’t he just keep his promise?_

* * *

Suzuya was all geared up and ready. He was among the elite investigators loaded up on the CCG vehicle headed toward the location of the 11th Ward’s hideout for Aogiri Tree. The weight of his Kagune-proof vest was holding him down, a slight annoyance in his opinion, but he would endure it for now. If he did good, Shinohara said it was possible that his rank would be raised, and that meant being closer to the Special Class investigator. That thought excited him, mostly because it meant he would be able to go on even more dangerous, high-risk assignments. The thrill he loved.

In this moment, he was numb.

The inside of this vehicle was dark, but he could still use his senses. The heavy breathing of the men who may never make it home in one piece, the sweat rolling off their foreheads, their frantic heartbeats.

Oh, but Suzuya’s body was tingling.

* * *

The adrenaline kicked in the moment that stolen motorcycle became airborne. No, he didn’t give a fuck if it belonged to the very man who recruited him on this special task force, the little shit insulted him, so why not? He was helping them out after all!

Then, there was the thrill he craved. The blood.

He’s just too fast. They can’t even keep up. _I got you now. What’s wrong? You’re hurting? You’re bleeding? Too bad, too bad. 10 points, 20 points, 30, 40, 50! Are you watching, Mama? Are you proud? I did it for you, for you, Mamajustbeproudofmejustwatchme! Hang in there, hang in there, if you die too soon, I won’t get my points! Haaaaa ha ha… ha…ha…_

_Are you watching, Kaneki? This is for you._

* * *

There were two giant doors towering above the floor.

He could sense the ominosity seeping from that room. The hands of tragedy that left the door ajar just for Suzuya to see. The stench of blood overtook his senses the moment he opened the giant doors to the checker-floored room. Oh, there was blood everywhere, and a chair lying in its center with the broken chains of captivity scattered near its legs.

A large body lie curled up in a fetal position, the splatters of red surrounding.

* * *

When his “fun” was over, Suzuya dragged what was left of the body to a nice vantage point on the roof, where he sat on the ledge, kicking his legs back and forth.

“What a day, what a day~!”

Suzuya sighed, peering down at the mangled remains of the corpse he finished off not too long ago. It was hardly recognizable anymore, thanks to his handiwork. But the question that continued to bother him… Who was the one who weakened him to that point? Surely not an investigator. The others hadn’t scoped out that side of the building yet. So, that narrows it down to a ghoul. But even that doesn’t add up. Jason was supposed to be one of the big bad wolves of the 13th Ward, so how could someone defeat him before the CCG got that chance? His wounds were relatively fresh as well, which means it was definitely a recent occurrence.

Still deep in thought, a smudge of movement caught his eye in the distance. Using his bloodied little hands as fake binoculars, he squinted his eyes and focused on the walking figure.

From what he could see, he wasn’t a member of the CCG, due to the lack of uniform. Therefore, the only reasonable solution would be for this wandering lone person to be a ghoul. He wore no shoes, a strange thing to be doing on a cold night such as this. No coat, no hat or gloves. Just a torn up, dirtied black shirt and shorts that have been through the ringer. The head of white hair stood out the most, like Suzuya’s own. He’d never seen anyone else with the color besides Nashiro. This ghoul wore a strange mask, only leaving his one eyes visible with a grinning mouth designed on the front. And his eyes, they-

“That’s…”

Kaneki.

* * *

In a distraught attempt, Suzuya scaled the side of the building, using any and all of his strength to make it to ground. Once his feet hit the concrete, he starts in a sprint toward the ghoul, slowly walking in the opposite direction.

Stopping only a few yards away, Suzuya stood frozen, not knowing what to do or say for once in his life.

“Kaneki…”

The ghoul froze as well, fists clenching.

The silence between them tore away at the numbness Suzuya felt from before. Instead, it filled him with a sting he was unfamiliar with.

“So I was right,” he uttered quietly, causing Kaneki to turn his head slightly. “I… I knew it. Somehow.”  _I’ve never seen you eat, even when I offered, you refused. I should’ve known… from the way you looked at me. When you took that chuck out of my neck. The way you’d react when I touched your back._  “It all makes sense now.”

“It does,” Kaneki agreed. “That uniform must be what I think it is.”

His voice was different somehow. It wasn’t that flustered, high-pitched sound that was unmistakingly Kaneki. This person was different. The voice, the eyes, the hair especially.

“It’s true. This is what I do.”

“I had my suspicions. No normal knife can hurt a ghoul, I just didn’t see you as the type to be one of them.”

“Heh,” Suzuya chuckled humorlessly, “you were wrong.”

Suzuya threw away any feelings of doubt he previously held, and fearlessly walked forward to the boy who used to be a part of his life. Kaneki, on the other hand, visibly tensed, his Rinkaku slithering out in a defensive stance. The four scale-covered weapons stood before him, their points facing Suzuya. But the boy didn’t care, didn’t even flinch, just kept walking toward Kaneki as if they were back in his apartment again and he was greeting him at the door with a kiss. No, Suzuya didn’t care if one slight movement could rip him to pieces. He was now facing the masked ghoul before him, a sad smile on his lips.

“You can’t hurt me, can you?”

It was those words that caused the tendrils of his Rinkaku to quiver, and instead of attack, coil around the both of them in an embrace of possession and longing. How long had it been since that smell lingered around his skin? Since that sweet taste graced his unworthy lips? Days… weeks.

“Oh, Kaneki,” Suzuya whispered, his hands trailing up to caress the leather hiding Kaneki’s face. “What have they done to you?”

The weight of the question was enough to crush them both. The defeated expression in the downcast grey of Kaneki’s eyes said too much. He wasn’t the same anymore. How could he ever hope to explain? How could Suzuya ever understand? He was a part of the CCG. The organization sworn to wipe out ghouls from this earth. And that’s what he has finally become. No longer a human. A ghoul.

Suzuya further inspected the boy before him, noticing the obvious remnants of blood, and grime from days of isolation. Black nails, and the red, swollen reminders of chains that previously hugged his wrists.

But it was his eyes that were the most different. They were no longer the cloudy grey of a receding storm on a spring day. No, these were the dead of winter. His newly whitened hair only confirmed it.

He was forced to grow up in a way that no one should.

“Now you’re just like me.”

Kaneki wished he knew what Suzuya meant at that moment, wished his past wasn’t the most difficult code to unlock. But he was so tired. So tired…

Instead of pushing for answers, Kaneki placed his hands on Suzuya’s waist, just now smelling the toxicity of different ghoul’s blood drenching his clothes. God, what a nightmare.

Kaneki allowed Suzuya to take the zipper of his mask between his two fingers, and slowly reveal that deep frown. The investigator smiled before he leaned in steadily or a kiss, leaving his lips lingering for a bit.

“I think I missed you,” he whispered, “but I have to kill you, don’t I?”

The scaled-covered kagune surrounding them tightened, leaving no space in between them anymore.

“If you can.”

“It’s a shame, isn’t it? You were the only ghoul… who…” He hesitated. “Who was good to me.”

“You were the only investigator who was good to me.”

This made the boy grin in satisfaction, but caught on to the reason they were using the past tense.

“It can’t go back to how it used to, huh…”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I have unfinished business.”

Kaneki’s eyes hardened, his focus became more and more intense as his goal gave those words meaning. Yes. He needed to find out the truth about himself, about Rize, and the doctor who did this to him. He would do whatever it took. He has already made a decision. He would take on his role in this tragedy as a ghoul, throw away his humanity, and become strong to protect those he holds dear. Suzuya was a special case however… What should he do? Suzuya is a threat to the those close to him. On the other hand, those close to him are a threat to Suzuya. But, god, he can’t kill him. He just can’t.

“You promised.”

Those words struck a chord in the ghoul, remembering their last morning together before everything fell apart.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been six months since Kaneki had been spotted.

The investigation of the Kanou Mansion evolved into a task much more ominous than the members of the CCG could have ever anticipated. As the investigators entered the hidden underground lab, the chaos commenced.

Suzuya found himself occupied with a pair of ghosts from his past, about three years ago it appeared. And oh, how the tables have turned.

It was obvious from the mismatching eyes that the two were no longer the humans they used to be. It was the second time he’d seen anything like it before. One kakugan, one human eye. And the Rinkaku to go along with it. He instantly thought back to that night, when the CCG performed the raid on Aogiri’s hideout. He thought of Kaneki, and his eyes…an eye patch on the right eye before, but then an eye patch on the left with the mask. That’s it, isn’t it?

“We’ve left our humanity behind.”

Suzuya’s blood boiled, but he could only respond with that crazed smirk. Because it was absurdly horrendous that anyone would willingly relinquish the luxury of humanity. To choose being turned into a monster? What garbage. Who chooses that? _I know I didn’t_ , Suzuya thought, grimacing at the memory of being called sick, twisted, sadistic, a problem child at best. He’d give anything for a chance at normality, to be reborn and raised like any human should be. And these two would rather give that up.

He decided he wanted to kill them.

* * *

 

Suzuya didn’t know what to expect when he came flying into that giant, wrecked room to lend Investigator Amon a hand in fighting off that monstrous ghoul, crawling around like a demented nightmarish creature. He didn’t expect that monster to be…

Kaneki.

Oh, but fate has this cruel way of working. There was that unmistakable head of messy, white hair that stood up in all directions, though it was dirtied with the dark streaks of bloodied strands.

Why couldn’t this just be any other ghoul for him to slay and feel not a hint of remorse?

The pressure was on. Eyes of his fellow investigators watched him as he sliced through his former lover with the unique kagune-equipped blade of his Jason. There was absolutely no time for hesitation at that point in time, even when Kaneki stuttered out nonsense as the kakuja’s influence became stronger. The impact of Suzuya’s attack seemed to stun Kaneki for a moment, giving Suzuya a moment to reevaluate the situation. However, the familiar pulse of Kaneki’s rinkaku became apparent only a second later, almost causing a fatal injury if it weren’t for Amon’s intervention.

It was then Suzuya saw the true nature of Kaneki’s insanity unravel.

Kaneki was down on his knees at the mercy of Amon’s words, and they seemed to have struck a chord. No one in the room could have possibly understood what it all meant. Just a ghoul. No, Kaneki was not simple enough to be thrown into the category of either human or ghoul. What had caused him to collapse down to his knees, tears swiftly falling as he lowered his head?

“I don’t want to eat anymore.”

Another blow and Kaneki was thrown across the room, hurrying to escape through the nearest exit.

Suzuya’s first instinct was to run after him at any cost, so that’s what he did. His red slippers flopped across the tiled floor as soon as he took off into a sprint. Even when Amon told him he didn’t have to chase after him, Suzuya shot him the deadliest glance.

“I’m not fucking around,” he spat with a venomous defiance.

He would not obey his superiors this time, no matter the cost

They could take away Jason for all he cared, take away his title, even throw him back into the academy, he didn’t give a shit right now. Kaneki was not running away from him this time.

* * *

 

Driven into the dank, unsettling darkness of the underground tunnels, Kaneki was stumbling his way from the threat of the investigators with little strength left to keep him moving. His low-hanging shoulders scraped the concrete tunnel’s walls while his dragging feet kept him going only for a few more clumsy steps.

“You’ve become even more of a monster than me.”

Kaneki heard the soft-spoken voice echoing in his static-filled ears. With an animalistic grunt, he fell to his knees once more, almost ripping out his hair is frustration.

**“Ahhh… I… I, I, I need to protect. Eat eat eat, no, no I don’t want it anymore, no! NO!”**

Suzuya was obviously on guard, holding Jason in a defensive stance. This wasn’t the Kaneki he knew. This was a new creation entirely, a monster.

Suzuya flashed his wicked grin. “Who will you protect once you’ve lost your mind? You’re stronger,” he sneered, “but look how weak you are.”

**“I must… save everyone… feed, feed, flesh…”**

“You didn’t give up being human, did you? You didn’t choose this life. I can see that, I know now.”

Suzuya sprinted forward, grabbing the neck of his deranged lover and slamming him against the concrete wall with harsh force. With one swift movement, one of his many stolen knives were drawn.

“But, if this is what you truly are…” Suzuya lunged his weapon forward.”I have to do this.” He expertly swung the blade upward in one single instant, Kaneki’s torso being sliced open with the rapid movement of Suzuya’s wrist.

Letting out a terrifying, blood curdling screech, Kaneki’s rinkaku instantaneously erupted from his lower back, the four limbs of his kagune lunged at Suzuya’s standing position, but only to break into the crumbling surface of the concrete as the other boy dodged the attack with a backward flip.

“You should hear yourself, Kaneki!” The investigator snickered cruelly while grabbing Jason. “Like something out of Hell.”

Kaneki only grunted and sprung toward his fast-paced attacker, all the while destroying the ceiling and walls with his thrashing kagune in an attempt to get a good shot at the other. But it was no use. Suzuya was just too fast.

Although Suzuya was enjoying this little game of dodge ball, he took into consideration the disadvantage he was in, fighting in this confined space. He couldn’t use Jason to its full extent, only as a close-range defensive.

He couldn’t continue dodging these rapid attacks forever. The wound he received on his abdomen during his confrontation with the twins was starting to slow him down more than he’d anticipated, and it needed proper stitches.

He had to put a stop to this quickly.

As Kaneki drove toward him at an expeditious pace, Suzuya gripped the handle of his Jason, and he rammed it right into the ghoul’s stomach, successfully knocking the wind out of him and pushing him back, crashing down to the ground.

_Kill him, Rei, kill him!_

Charging toward the fallen ghoul, Suzuya held Jason in his trembling hands tightly, not sure if this was exhilaration or panic.

_Be a good boy for Mama, now._

Why, Mama?

_Kill for me, Rei._

But he was good to me.

_It’s your job._

He didn’t look at me like the others did.

_Rei-chan!_

That’s not my name anymore.

With the scythe held only inches above Kaneki’s masked face, Suzuya was paralyzed.

Why couldn’t he move? He then took into notice the red-scaled kagune coiled around his bony wrists, binding him in place. Unable to move his quinque, he was defenseless. Powerless. But was Kaneki’s kagune really the only factor stopping him?

_Mama, you stopped giving me good-boy points a long time ago. And I stopped being your Rei-chan. I’m not your scrapper anymore, but I’m still just a killer. Always was, always will be. It’s the only thing I’m good at. But now, it’s not my job to kill humans like I did back then, with everyone watching, cheering… You would scream my name in joy, and I felt the rush of bliss. Felt the praise as I chased the pathetic humans you brought for me to slaughter one by one. It’s that rush I had always lived for. But…_

“This isn’t fun anymore…”  _Not if it’s Kaneki…_

It was then he saw the tip of the third tendril of Kaneki’s rinkaku, not around his wrists, but in front of him.

Through him.

“Kaneki…” The smaller boy choked out the name, followed by a blood-splattered cough. His hold on Jason weakened significantly.

“Why did I hesitate…why did I…?” His voice was faint, the blood loss causing a distracting dizziness that slurred his words. “You gonna eat me now? Since you’re just…a ghoul now.”

“Suzuya…?”

The investigator looked down, and through his blurred vision, he could see the mask crumbling away slowly, and slowly revealing the face of the person he knew. There was a horror-stricken look in his wide eyes. Finally, Suzuya could see both.

“What have I done… I’m sorry…”

“Finally back to your senses, ne?” Suzuya attempted, a grin forming.

Kaneki withdrew his kagune back within his body, the blood spewing from the small hole newly formed in Suzuya’s side. Lurching forward, the young investigator coughed out the blood that Kaneki once craved. Now, the sight of it horrified him to an unfathomable extent.

The ghoul caught the unsteadily standing boy and laid him down on his back, covering the wound to trying and slow down the bleeding.

“Suzuya… Suzuya, hang in there, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, I… I wanted to protect you, and everyone. I didn’t want this. To cause you pain.”

Even though blood was still coming through the wound, Suzuya chuckled. “It doesn’t hurt. Don’t make such a face.”

“Suz…-”

“Come back to me… Why can’t we play our game, it was fun, it was… Why can’t you just go back to being my favorite toy? Even though someone already broke you, I still want you back, I still do…”

Kaneki’s eyes widened when he heard those words fall from Suzuya’s bloodied, open mouth. Suzuya was never the type to openly express attachment. At first, it was all fun and games for him, wasn’t it? But this was different. Was it just the blood loss messing with his path of thinking? Kaneki would be lying if he said he only lusted after that sweet scent that aroused his senses in the most dangerous of ways. He knew there was something about him that left him only wanting more… Suzuya’s childish ways of handling things… That unlimited, genuine curiosity he possessed toward the simplest of emotions. Like a child.  

Breaking his chain of thoughts, Kaneki was brought back to reality by that pair of lips he craved so longingly. In this kiss, he could taste the blood. He couldn’t stop his eye from turning this time, because it was all too much to handle. He could die with this flavor in his mouth, the aftertaste of this addictive boy taking over his world. But it couldn’t last.

Kaneki pulled away and leaned Suzuya’s body back up against the wall.

“You know I can’t.”

“You will.”

“Suzuya… If I didn’t have control, I would’ve killed you already, eaten you…”

“You’ll come back… if you don’t, I’ll find you.”

“Don’t you dare,” he argued. “You know it’s not safe. We can’t keep running into each other like this… You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me.”

Suzuya scoffed, grabbing a handful of the hair atop Kaneki’s pretty little head, flashing a smirk. “Don’t fuck with me,” he snapped. “You wanted me just as much as I wanted you. I saw the way you looked at me, I’m no stranger to it, like some wolf following a rabbit, I saw it, I felt it. When you’d watch me stretch, each and every night I slept in your bed and the way you held me, when you looked at me and–”

“Stop…”

“–didn’t care what I looked like, when everyone says I’m too thin, too pale, too fucking girlish to be taken seriously. You let me stay anyway, when I had no where to go or live and I just couldn’t tell you who I really was, but you said it was okay, that everything was okay, and for the first time in my life it was like I wasn’t numb anymore–mm!”

“Don’t you get it?” Kaneki choked out a sob, a hand tightening to cover Suzuya’s mouth. “I’d give anything…to be that person again. To be with you again, in my apartment, with my only fear being you finding out I’m some kind of monster. Anything.”

Suzuya stopped struggling to remove Kaneki’s hand from his hushed mouth weakly, feeling the trembling of his body. He could see now. This wasn’t a choice.

He was about to say something in response, but the distant sound of heavy footsteps could be heard somewhere far down the end of the tunnel. They were loud, like the frantic marching of boots. The two both knew it was the others from the CCG in pursuit of their location. Suzuya yanked at the ghoul’s wrist. “Go. Now. I’ll be fine.” With one last peck, Suzuya shoved him off, though the ghoul looked hesitant. “You know this isn’t the last time we meet. I told you I’d find you. Now go!”

Avoiding a kick from the fallen investigator, Kaneki compiled and ran off as quickly as possible, regrettably leaving Suzuya behind with that awful wound.

How he wished he could have taken him…

* * *

 

“Suzuya!” Amon called as he approached the boy.

Using Jason to balance himself up, Suzuya stumbled forward, meeting the rest of his squad. “Hiya~ Centipede was a hard bug to squish. He got me.” He leaned up against the wall, and closed his eyes, blacking out only to imagine the lingering taste of Kaneki on his lips. 


	6. Chapter 6

It was early July when Kaneki escorted Hinami to the book signing of one of their favorite authors.

It was, of course, a strange experience, being mistaken for a couple and all. But it was pleasant. Kaneki’s mood had definitely been lifted after spending the day with Hinami. His smiles didn’t feel as forced, and it was all because they were having a great time enjoying something that the both of them had in common: a love for literature. Kaneki was usually teased for being a bookworm, but Hinami was eager to learn and explore new genres. She also took Kaneki’s book suggestions to heart, which was a very pleasing quality to have in Kaneki’s opinion.

The two ghouls were about ready to head back. They’d paid the small bill at the outdoor cafe they currently sat at, and waited until their table cleared. They were engaged in a conversation about the quirks of the author they’d met today, Takatsuki Sen, a seemingly carefree woman. Kaneki was mid-sentence when a pair of hands covered his eye, seeing as the other was already clothed with an eyepatch. That’s when that unmistakable scent hit him, and he looked up.

“Fancy meeting you here, Ka~ne~ki~! Here for the book signing, I presume?” Before Kaneki could even answer, Suzuya reached out to shake Hinami’s tiny hand in a greeting. “Hi! I’m Suzuya Juuzou, nice to meet you!”

Hinami smiled, but was a bit nervous around this stranger, especially with his outlandish appearance, but decided to accept the handshake since he seemed so nice to Kaneki. Stitches wrapped around his finger to his arm, and some under his eye and lip. She’s never seen anything like it, unless Uta’s body jewelry counts.

“Are you friends with onii-san?” she asked politely.

“You guessed it!” he giggled, leaning over against Kaneki’s shoulder. “Isn’t that right, Mr. Eyepatch~?”

“Ahem,” said boy cleared his throat as to interrupt, then turned to Hinami with a charming smile. “Hinami, it looks like me and my old friend here have some catching up to do. Would you mind going on ahead back without me?”

“Ah, no problem!” She stood up and gave a polite bow to her newly found acquaintance. “It was nice meeting you, Suzuya-san. Thank you for keeping onii-san company!”

With that, she departed, waving to the two goodbye as she disappeared into the crowd. Kaneki, as soon as she was out of sight, dropped the smile and yanked Suzuya by the wrist, dragging him along to a place more private. He led him to an isolated area behind the cafe, probably where the supply trucks would come and drop off deliveries.

The ghoul took Suzuya by the shoulders and leaned him up against the brick, a bit more harsh than he had meant it.

“Ne, careful, you don’t wanna reopen the wound you gave me, remember?”

“The hell are you doing here?”

“Such a gentleman!” he snickered in reply.

“Answer me. How did you know I’d be here? Have you been tracking me?”

“It’s not that hard to figure out.”

“Suzuya,” he growled. “I won’t hesitate to-”

“Egg of the Black Goat, right?” he interrupted. “That’s one of the books you own by that author, Takatsuki whatever. I remembered seeing a bunch of books by her on your bookshelf, in your room. I waited around hoping you’d show up. So, I didn’t know you’d be here and I sure wasn’t tracking you, dummy.”

Kaneki was slightly taken aback. “So… you read it then?”

“Hah!” the investigator snorted. “I tried. I’m not a smarty-pants like you who have all the alphabets memorized. I’m still learning!”

“Heh, maybe that’s a good thing.” Kaneki inwardly cringed, remembering that Takatsuki Sen also had fans like Rize and Tsukiyama, probably not the best people in the world to become close to. He chuckled under his breath, knowing things were different now. He was stronger than the both of them. To think he was helpless against them once was such a strange thought. It felt almost like a lifetime ago.

The spaced-out look on Kaneki’s face was giving Suzuya a serious case of nostalgia. That little grin on his lips was something he’d almost forgotten. The last time he even saw Kaneki smile was…

“Ne, Kaneki,” the boy asked, breaking the other free from his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I want to spend the day with you. I’m still supposed to be in the hospital but I snuck out, and I’ll get yelled at later but I don’t care, I wanna be with you, so don’t say no.”

“You shouldn’t be up and moving around, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“I’m fine, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Bullshit.”

“Have you ever seen me cry over a boo-boo? Nope.” Suzuya gave the ghoul a poke on the nose for emphasis.

“I told you, it’s not safe. You’re a member of the CCG. You wouldn’t want to run into the people I know.”

“‘Cause you’re afraid I’ll kill them or that they’ll kill me? Which is it?”

Deep down, Kaneki didn’t know the answer to that question.

“I’m not asking you to introduce me to your ghoul-club or whatever. Heh, but you sure did freeze when I snuck up on you and that girl. Who was she, anyways? My new replacement?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, she’s 14 years old.”

Suzuya smirked mischievously. “I’ve been told I look pretty young myself. Could it be you have a type?”

Kaneki could only sigh as his frustration grew. He caught on that Suzuya was only trying to get a reaction out of him, but he wasn’t having any of it. He should just walk away before his hair starts falling out from the stress.

Kaneki was about to turn away when Suzuya tugged at his sleeve and gave him that look. The look that used to make him late for work, late for his classes, because those eyes were so damn big and convincing. It was one of those rare moments when the smile was gone, and it appeared to be just a blank expression, but it was so much more than that. With his wide eyes, Suzuya could command an army without speaking a word.

“You’re not giving me a choice, are you?”

“No.”

“Then come on,” the ghoul urged while taking a hold of Suzuya’s arm and leading him back into an open area in the crowd, where shoppers of all ages walked in their own little groups. As the two made their way across the small plaza of clothing stores and shops, they couldn’t help but notice the incredibly obvious glances they were getting from people passing by. Some girls giggled, while most older adults couldn’t rip eyes off the pair, while whispers were shared between them.

“I don’t get what the big deal is…” Kaneki mumbled, not really used to all the attention.

Suzuya, on the other hand, was visibly uncomfortable. Contrary to his regular outgoing personality, he was latched onto Kaneki’s arm and stayed closer than usual. Kaneki, noticing this, wrapped a gentle arm around the shorter boy’s shoulders and placed a quick kiss on his temple, bringing a light pink to his cheeks.

“Don’t mind them.”

Suzuya nodded and followed Kaneki to wherever he was leading him, trusting his judgement.

It was when they passed a very reflective store window when they realized how ridiculous they looked beside each other. Both with white hair, Kaneki with a fancy eyepatch, and Suzuya with his usual attire, stitches and all. They looked as if they had just walked out of a convention, or they were into some new street fashion scene.

“Well, now I get why we’re getting funny looks…”

“I like my stitches. I hate the way they all look at me.”

Kaneki smiled fondly at his companion. “I like them too,” he agreed. He turned his focus to the thread weaved into the skin under Suzuya’s eye and lips, imagining how painful it must be to attempt it. He wondered about Suzuya’s body, and how many more stitches marked his white skin. Was there anything new since the last time he got the pleasure of seeing more than just what was already visible? He hoped to find out.

“You know, I’ve never asked you why you like to self-stitch,” the ghoul explained with curiosity. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Eh? Well…” Suzuya pondered on this one, pulling at the red thread at the corner of his lip. “Ah, what’s that saying? Your body is a temple, so decorate the altar. Something like that. I was told by my mentor… that it was important for me to take back ownership of myself… to uh, remember that my body belongs to me. Positive body image, I guess.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You do,” Suzuya said quietly, looking over at Kaneki. “You were born human, weren’t you? And now you’re a ghoul. You’ve had something taken from you. Is that not the same?”

Kaneki’s visible eye widened in realization that for once in his life, he could in fact understand, and truly relate to someone who was able to put it in words for him. But, Suzuya’s situation was much different than his, he guessed, and he just ached to know why the investigator was so dead-on.

“You’re right… something was taken against my will. The human part of me.”

Suzuya could only smile, but it was the kind of melancholy upturn of his lips that made the light in his eyes glimmer at a memory. The shorter boy reached out his right hand to caress his thumb over the design on Kaneki’s eyepatch, admiring the pattern of the stitching. “Did you know, Kaneki, that I was not raised as a human?”

“W..what?”

“I killed humans for fun and amusement, had to eat human flesh if I wanted to keep on living. Any chance I had at growing up as a normal human had been taken from me as a child, before I could even remember.”

Kaneki, while listening to Suzuya’s words, was bound speechless at first. He always had an idea that Suzuya’s past was a sensitive and dark subject for the boy, but now knowing that he was kidnapped and raised by ghouls was absolutely wretched...unspeakable.

“I...I don’t know what to say. I had no idea…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Suzuya leaned in with a smile. “Maybe that’s why I find myself drawn to you.”

Because of the tragedy running through their veins.

“I feel the same way.”

“Hey, kiss me.”

Kaneki’s face turned red at the arbitrary request, spoken so casually despite the seriousness of their previous conversation. Nonetheless, he complied, leaning down slightly to press his hesitant lips against those of the smaller boy standing before him, whose eagerness was too apparent to ignore.

The two pulled away immediately when the sound of giggles could be heard in some unknown direction. Suzuya seemed flustered, somewhat embarrassed at the unnecessary attention. Kaneki mimicked what he expressed with intensity.

“Is this...okay?” Suzuya asked, a bit out of character compared to his usual composed self.

“Yeah… people are just weird. Let’s go somewhere else more private. What do you want to do?”

Suzuya’s face changed in an instant, his smile turning back to its regular, oddball grin. “Icecream~!” he sang happily.

 

 

* * *

 

The boys sat at an outdoor table, an umbrella shielding them from the July sun, cones in hand all the while attempting to finish before their treat became nothing but liquid. Kaneki was in the middle of explaining the plot of the book he had just gotten signed earlier that day, but Suzuya was busy spacing out, staring off at another couple at a nearby bench. The young man and woman were in their early 20s, sitting side by side with their hands intertwined as if it was one entity entirely. Suzuya rested his chin on his palm, holding his head up with his arm propped up against the table.

He wanted to do what they were doing. That looked normal, right? They kissed, kind of acted the same way too.

Suzuya gathered up some courage and scooted his chair directly beside Kaneki’s. The ghoul didn’t question it, though, just kept on talking quietly without paying any mind. Kaneki didn’t seem to realize that Suzuya was distracted by the display of affection that the nearby man and woman demonstrated lovingly. To the chaste kisses they placed on each other’s pink-dusted cheeks, to the gentle caresses of their fingers brushing up against their skin. As Suzuya observed, he copied the actions just to fulfill his curiosity. Taking Kaneki’s hand in his, he intertwined their fingers together closely like the knot of his threads.

This was the action that caused Kaneki to pause mid-sentence, locking eyes with the investigator in suspicion. “Suzuya?”

“This is okay, right?”

“Y-yeah, of course.”

“You’re afraid,” the boy stated.

“No,” Kaneki shook his head, “it’s not that. This just feels too… normal. As if we’re a regular couple on a date or something. I haven’t had the luxury of normality in months. You know what I mean.”

“Mhm,” Suzuya nodded, taking the last bite of his ice cream cone with a crunch. “Nothing wrong with a break!”

Kaneki smiled, pulling Suzuya up with him, their hands still attached.

 

* * *

 

The ghoul and investigator spent the rest of the day sightseeing all over Tokyo, blowing money left and right on snacks due to Suzuya’s constant appetite for sweets and delicious food throughout the day. Kaneki had no issue, however. It was amusing to see Suzuya’s face light up at the amazingly decorated pastries and snacks. The way the boy’s mouth watered with his face pressed up against the glass was an adorable sight to behold.

By the time they felt too exhausted to do anything else, it had gotten late already. The sky was no longer bright with the sun’s hot July beams, and the streets were quiet for the most part. Because of this, Kaneki grew wary. Nightfall was the time when ghouls became the most active in their feeding, and the area in which they were currently located wasn’t known to be the safest. If it wasn’t ghouls, it was always the crime. Kaneki suggested they call it a night, since Suzuya was wanted back at the hospital anyways.

In spite of Kaneki’s suggestion, Suzuya whined about his awful sense of direction, dreading getting lost for the billionth time at some god awful hour. Agreeing to lead him in the right direction, the two walked cautiously through the empty, abandoned streets.

Suzuya, following behind Kaneki at an even pace, stopped before an alleyway.

“We’re being followed,” he said quietly to Kaneki.

Right on cue, three figures emerged from the dark shadows of the sidestreet.

“These two smell amazing, boss. Let me have one.”

“Go for the smaller one you two, I’ll take the eyepatch.”

Immediately assessing the situation, Suzuya jumped back as two of those bloodthirsty ghouls came after him with two kagunes drawn and ready to attack. The investigator recognized his disadvantage instantly. He was without Jason, even his switchblades were absent from his possession at the moment. He dodged the first attack, coming from a Koukaku in the form of a sharp point. The other attacker was a tad more swift, using the tendrils of his rinkaku to try and injure Suzuya, but the investigator flipped backwards to evade each attempt. A sharp sting made itself known on his side, the spot where Kaneki took a good stab at him earlier this month. Straining the wound would only rip it open again, and the burning was becoming quite the nuisance. Without warning, his feet were pulled out from under him and he was thrown deeper into the alleyway.

He groaned and grasped his wound again, but his hands were suddenly caught and pinned to the hard ground.

“I should break those legs of yours, then we’ll see if you can still dance away.”

The bikaku-ghoul appeared behind Suzuya, grabbing him by the underarms and holding him up to face the other ghoul, who still used his kagune to bind his wrists.

“What a pretty little thing you are, darling. I bet you taste as amazing as you look,” the ghoul holding him from behind whispered, his hands trailing up his shirt. Suzuya flinched as his stitches were tugged at, thrashing about.

“Fuck off you perverted scum,” he spat. “Get your filthy hands off me.”

“Never met a human with so much bite!”

“You don’t like this? Beg for your life,” the other ghoul sneered. “You’re a pretty one.”

Suzuya laughed maniacally, spitting in the ghoul’s face. “Just kill me then, then go fuck yourself.”

“Why you--!”

Splat. A rain-like downpour of blood and innards fell down upon the ghoul. A disturbing rolling sound could be heard getting closer, and the severed head of the ghoul group’s leader rolling in like a bowling ball.

“I was considering letting you live but,” Kaneki slowly appeared, the crack of his knuckle startling the two remaining ghouls, “I’m going to slaughter you like livestock.”

The cruel snickering spilling from Suzuya’s throat caused the two ghouls to stare in confusion, oblivious to what will become of their fate. It wasn’t until the glowing red of Kaneki’s kagune made itself known, first by twisting around the neck of the ghoul behind Suzuya, and throwing him up against the brick only for his bones to make a sickening crunch. As for the other ghoul, whom at this point got up in an attempt to flee, was pinned down by the ruthless appendages of Kaneki’s rinkaku with bone-crushing force. The pathetic ghoul’s scream pumped adrenaline through Kaneki’s veins, Suzuya’s laugh cackling only yards away.

“You want to eat him do you? Is that right?”

“I-I didn’t know! P-p-please let--”

“He’s mine.”

With that, Kaneki gave a harsh kick to the man’s jaw, then swiftly brought his foot down upon his mouth, smashing in the ghoul’s sole tool for eating. His teeth.

The screams were music to his ears, and any attempt at words were pitiful, muffled groans.

Suzuya, at this point, crawled over to the writhing ghoul, with Kaneki’s foot still shoved over his caved in orifice. The man started choking on his own blood the moment he saw the investigator’s angelic face, adorned with the most sadistic smile.

“This is fun, isn’t it?” Suzuya sang, snaking a hand from Kaneki’s calf to his thigh, locking eyes. With his other hand, the boy used his pointer and middle finger to stretch the ghoul’s eyes open, chuckling.

“I want you to watch me,” Suzuya smirked cruelly. Kaneki stared blankly, but his eyes widened when he gaped at his lover’s two fingers push into the ghoul’s eye sockets, squelching around inside the man’s skull like it was nothing.

The horrified scream that ripped through the ghoul’s throat echoed off the walls of the alleyway.

 

* * *

 

The pair of white-haired boys left the deserted alley, hand in bloodied hand, headed toward Kaneki’s current place of residence, as he insisted the streets weren’t safe. Much to Suzuya’s excitement and satisfaction that he got his way, he happily obliged.

When they arrived, they snuck in as quietly as possible as to not disturb anyone else who may be there as well. Navigating in the dark wasn’t as easy as they would have liked, especially with Suzuya stealing over a dozen kisses a minute, so after bumping into a few things, the two suppressed a chuckle and scurried up to the bathroom to wash themselves of the blood.

Kaneki sat at the edge of the tub with some warm water running over his feet, using a cloth to rub away the red over his hands and face. Suzuya, after giving his hands a good rinse, sat beside him and admired the swirling mix of blood and water over the white tub.

“You know…” Kaneki started while running a hand through his lover’s hair, “we could shower. Together.”

Suzuya stared at him, speechless for a moment, then became drawn into himself, reluctantly looking away without saying anything. Kaneki noticed his sudden timidness with concern.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--”

“No, I do,” Suzuya asserted. “Just not yet. I’m not sure… not now.”

Kaneki paused, but smiled. “Okay.” He pulled the smaller boy closer, placing a kiss atop his head.

Suzuya closed his eyes as Kaneki’s lips lingered there, brushing over his hair with astonishing gentleness for the boy who ripped three ghouls to pieces not too long ago. The rush from the whole episode was still fresh in his mind, but the memory of that ghoul’s hands on him was beyond uncomfortable. It made him understand something, however. That Kaneki’s touch made the revolting thoughts disappear. All of the self-hatred, the disgust. It seemed so pointless when his broken self-image was repairing itself over time. It was all thanks to the new bonds of trust that were being built, brick by brick, at the hands of Kaneki. He had never judged him before, and Suzuya could see it in his eyes.

Wrapping his arms around the ghoul’s shoulders, Suzuya trailed kisses up his neck. “I don’t want anyone else touching me,” he whispered.

That seemed to grab his attention.

Kaneki gripped the other boy’s waist, careful to avoid his injury, and pull their bodies close. Taking a deep breath into the curve of the boy’s neck, Kaneki’s ghoul-like instincts grew.

“Never,” he held him close possessively. “Only me.”

After a couple of short kisses, Kaneki drained the water in the tub and dried off their feet with a clean towel. With Suzuya pretty much already on his lap, Kaneki hoisted the both of them up toward the bedroom.

It would have been almost completely pitch black in the room if it wasn’t for the subtle light coming from the window. The dim light hit Suzuya’s face when Kaneki dropped him down onto the mattress, and those enormous eyes stared back with pupils almost fully dilated. They were like staring into a void, but it was full of wonder nonetheless. Without the hair pins holding his bangs back, Suzuya’s hair was spread out over his face, falling between his eyes messily.

Kaneki felt so much as he towered over this extraordinary human. Territory. Longing. Danger. Home.

“Kiss me like you used to,” Suzuya tempted, brushing his fingertips over Kaneki’s lips.

That was all the confirmation Kaneki needed to move forward with what he wanted, what the both of them wanted. The ghoul pressed his lips against Suzuya’s feverishly, swimming in the taste that he missed so much. The investigator was more poised this time, confident that he was ready for this, whatever this was. These were feelings he wanted to experience to the fullest, because these new sensations were taking the numbness away.

The kiss they shared was full of hungry passion, accompanied by the gentle biting of lips, the strangeness of their tongues meeting after so much time. Kaneki was focused on the taste, of course, the sugary aftertaste that was all Suzuya, overwhelmingly.

The two broke the kiss after a while, their heavy breaths mixing with each pant. Suzuya then grabbed the ghoul’s shoulders so he could be fully entrapped against his body between his spread legs. With his small mouth, Suzuya ravaged the ghoul’s pale neck, marking it as his own as Kaneki had done to him countless times in the past. The blood-red markings were a satisfying sight to the boy.

Kaneki, on the other hand, was being driven by his lust in way he couldn’t explain. Was it his underlying ghoulish instincts to consume, or the magnetic attraction he feels toward the other? He decided it didn’t matter in the slightest, because in both ways, he was starving for this. Suzuya was the most enticing being in his world, and he felt more for him than anyone of his past boyish crushes. This was real passion.

The ghoul decided he too would mark the neck of his lover, seeing as it was nice and free of any markings like an empty canvas, beside that scar he left months ago of course. As Kaneki worked on the soft skin of Suzuya’s pale neck, his hands made their way down to grab those round cheeks, albeit clothed.

Suzuya was a moaning mess at this point, arching his back whenever Kaneki squeezed him there. Kaneki was aware that Suzuya was pretty damn vocal, and that he’d probably wake up the others, but he was too turned on to even care. So what he has this beautiful, divine being in his bed? Let the world know.

It wasn’t long before Suzuya grew impatient and pulled Kaneki’s body up against his, rocking their hips together. He blushed deep red when Kaneki moaned in his ear, squeezing his ass even harder.

“Suzuya,” the ghoul whispered, nibbling on his earlobe. “Will you let me?”

“Yes...yes.”

With their shirts already gone, Kaneki went to work on Suzuya’s pants. First, he unclasped the suspenders and tossed them the bed’s edge. He went to undo Suzuya’s pants when a shaky hand grabbed his wrist to halt any further movement. Confused, he looked at his lover’s frantic eyes.

“Wait,” he said in a panicky tone.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, no. It’s me, I’m…”

Kaneki had no idea what the investigator was trying to say. He automatically assumed the worst in his mind, thinking that maybe Suzuya changed his mind, that he’d made him uncomfortable somehow. He wanted to apologize, but instead, he expressed a look mixed with hurt and confusion, hoping that he didn’t cross a line.

“I want you, I do, and it feels so good but I’m… I’m not normal… there. I’ve had surgeries, but it’s not the same. That’s why I...” The boy trailed off, hoping that he got the message across. He remembered his nights shared with Kaneki in the beginning, and how he’d shy away shamefully at any contact that was too intimate for comfort. Suzuya turned his gaze back to Kaneki. It had been years since he’d spoken to anyone about this.

Kaneki’s expression changed entirely, a sigh of relief leaving his lips. “Nothing will change my mind about how I feel. I want to see every inch of you, even the parts you’re ashamed of, because I will love them regardless.”

Suzuya felt like a fool for doubting Kaneki’s trust, his emotional trauma still posing as an obstacle for his ability to be comfortable with another person. He should have known that Kaneki’s trust extended beyond emotional attachment, that even with his physical deformity, Kaneki would never turn him away.

With this new realization, Suzuya felt fearless. Even as Kaneki slowly removed his pants, he felt no fear. Even as Kaneki placed butterfly kisses around and between his hips, there was no fear.

“Kaneki,” Suzuya shuddered as his body was ravished by the hands of this lethal ghoul. He was being touched everywhere it seemed, and the overstimulation shot fire through his veins, opening desires he never knew he could feel. Not wanting to be the only one getting attention, he undid Kaneki’s jeans and played with him a bit, taking note of its size difference compared to his.

Suzuya was startled when he felt a hot tongue running up his naval, right along the trail of the threads stitched up to his neck. He tried to suppress a gasp when Kaneki tugged on the stitchings with his teeth in a teasing manner.

“Please, now,” he begged. Kaneki nodded and brushed his middle finger around Suzuya’s entrance. The boy stopped him and shook his head in disapproval.

“Right now. None of that.”

“But…”

“Fuck. Me.”

Kaneki’s eyes darkened at those words, his member twitching impatiently. He discarded his concern and grabbed a small bottle on his bedside table, squeezing its contents and rubbing it onto his length, keeping eye contact with Suzuya the entire time.

“Tell me if it hurts.”

Suzuya nodded and felt the tip of Kaneki’s hard member align with his entrance.  With a silent prayer in the back of his mind, he hoped to feel everything.

Kaneki pushed forward as he closely observed Suzuya’s facial expressions for any sign of pain or discomfort. Instead he was looking into the dark, wide eyes of his lover. It wasn’t until he was fully seated inside him that Suzuya let out the most seductive moan he’d ever heard the boy make. He stayed still for a little while, hoping that the extra time with allow his lover to become accustomed to the stretch. He wanted to move, by all means, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so just yet despite the overwhelming pleasure he felt just from being fully inside the investigator. A groan caught his attention, and Suzuya wrapped his arms around his neck and whispered.

“Fucking move.”

Without hesitation, Kaneki complied, starting with shallow, slow thrusts. It wasn’t until Suzuya began to meet his movements that the ghoul felt more encouraged to go faster. Kaneki was staring straight into the eyes of his lover, the both of their heavy breaths mixing as they never broke eye contact once. Even though Kaneki wanted to keep his cool, he was losing it gradually with each moan that slipped past his lips. He wasn’t sure how long he could last with Suzuya picking up the pace by moving his hips forward ever-so-swift, whispering these incoherent words of filth that made Kaneki’s body shiver.

Arching his body just slightly, Suzuya gasped and kept grabbing onto Kaneki’s back in desperation. “Right there, harder.”

Kaneki’s desire heightened dramatically with each passing moment, each hard thrust that increased in force to appease Suzuya’s every wish and command. He didn’t want to disappoint his lover due to his draining ability to last, so he nuzzled his face into the warm curve of Suzuya’s neck and bit down gently, resorting back to a more ever pace in hopes that his stamina would recover. Being so close to Suzuya made him realize just how loud he really was, and fearing that someone might try to investigate, he put a hand over his lover’s mouth to stifle his wanton sounds.  

Suzuya wasn’t having any of it though. He wanted to feel it, and he wanted to feel it hard. Digging his fingernails into Kaneki’s lower back, he would shove at his body just so he could feel it deeper, with as much force as he could muster.

The boy was being absolutely shameless in conveying how he wanted to be fucked.

Kaneki wasn’t sure if he could provide much longer.

To make things even more interesting, Suzuya bit the inside of his own mouth with the sharp tooth of his canine, making sure to draw the blood that Kaneki lusted after with savage intensity. The smaller boy claimed his lover’s lips just to give him a taste. In that instant, Suzuya was met with that single, red glow of the Kakugan, and he knew he won.

He didn’t expect, however, for Kaneki’s Rinkaku to come slithering out from the ghoul’s lower back and roughly pin him down to the bed by his wrists. He watched Kaneki’s expression closely, noticing the way he licked his lips and put both hands on Suzuya’s bony hips.

“You shouldn’t test me.”

And with a bed-creaking thrust, the slap of skin against skin was the loudest sound in that room. Suzuya, head to the side and eyes wide open, was bound speechless at the amount of pleasure he was receiving by being slammed up against the headboard with zero mobility in his arms.

With Kaneki’s movement becoming erratic, it became obvious to the both of them that he was about to finish, and Suzuya wasn’t going to let him pull away. Entrapping him with his legs, Suzuya made sure to enjoy every second of Kaneki’s contorted face as he came deep inside him, his member pulsing.

Suzuya reached his end soon after at the mercy of Kaneki’s jerking, his dry orgasm washing over him at the cause of the endless stimulation.

When it was all over, the two were collapsed on top of each other, their sweaty bodies mingling under the sheets as they caught their breaths. Suzuya welcomed the extra weight upon his body, running small kisses down the ghoul’s neck and shoulder lovingly. The pair sat in silence for a while, just holding each other without much to say. Their actions said it all. To the way they brushed the hair from their faces, placed tiny kisses to noses, cheeks, and foreheads. Suzuya was smiling tiredly, and was the first to break the silence.

“You wanna get me a paper towel, lover boy?” he smirked.

The pair broke out in a stifled laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.”

Placing another kiss on the top of Suzuya’s head, the ghoul left for a moment.

 

* * *

 

The two boys, after cleaning up, were redressed in some more comfortable clothes. They were tangled up in each other again, seemingly inseparable. Kaneki’s chest was up against Suzuya’s back, their fingers intertwined. Waiting for sleep to take them, the two whispered in the darkness sleepily.

“I missed this.”

“I did too.”

Suzuya tightened his grip on the other’s hand.

“What’re we gonna do… Don’t wanna go.”

“I don’t know this time…”

Feeling the heavy weight of that answer’s meaning, Suzuya closed his eyes and tried to find peace in his thoughts, tried to imagine a world where he wasn’t an investigator and Kaneki wasn’t a ghoul, and they could be as normal as that couple he’d seen earlier. Just like that. Holding hands, kissing, living with each other. Something like a movie, maybe.

“Suzuya,” the ghoul whispered against the boy’s neck, “when it’s all over, I’ll come back to you no matter what. I love you.”

The investigator’s eyes snapped open and he turned his head to meet the eyes of the ghoul. There was a bittersweet pang in his heart that prevented him from saying anything at all.

Kaneki was searching his lover’s huge eyes for any unspoken words. He found childish wonder in the glimmer of his dilated pupils, and that was more than enough. Kaneki smiled and placed a chaste kiss on Suzuya’s hair-covered forehead.

Suzuya didn’t have to say it back. The word meant little, but his emotions meant the world.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, been years since I've written anything like that. Go easy on me. (Internal screaming)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinohara grows suspicious. Suzuya pays Kaneki another visit, and they talk about their situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and with a super long chapter. The next chapter is already in progress! This story should be coming to a close very soon, but in the meantime, I'd like to thank those who are still reading.

The CCG of the 20th Ward was bustling this morning. Everyone had their coffee in hand as usual, having somewhere to be and what not. It was apparently just another day at the CCG Headquarters. For everyone besides Suzuya, of course.

He was exhausted as hell, for obvious reasons.

Waking up was one thing, but actually getting out of bed was a different story entirely. It consisted of Kaneki throwing open the curtains, exclaiming that they had slept in too late, and basically giving him the “rise and shine” treatment. Oh, but Suzuya was not having any of that. It was near impossible to untangle him from those blankets, and it took a lot of convincing to even get him to open his eyes. And when he did, he was even more distressed to find out that it wasn’t as late as Kaneki had made it out to be, and he really didn’t give a flying fuck if he was late.

“Come on, be a big boy.”

“Shut up. I’m the same age as you.”

“But I thought 19 year olds didn’t need to be woken up.”

Suzuya sat up and just glared at him, hoping his expression would get the point across. He pouted. “I’m going back to bed.” He threw the covers back over his head and squeezed his eyes shut, not even hearing Kaneki walk over to him until he felt the mattress sink as the ghoul crawled back on top of it.

“Come on, Suz. Shower, then we need to get you back.”

“But I’m tired… Please,” he whined.

“Not this time,” Kaneki chuckled, pulling back the covers a bit to expose Suzuya’s pale, bare skin. He grinned, admiring the marks he left on the boy’s slim neck, knowing that those same marks were now present on his own. The night they shared left him euphoric, and in a better mood than his usual apathetic days that he spent showing to almost everyone else. Being able to see Suzuya like this, privately exposed without an ounce of embarrassment, filled him with satisfaction.

“If you don’t get up now, I might not be able to keep my hands off you,” he whispered in his ear.

“Then don’t,” Suzuya challenged.

“Wrong answer.”

Kaneki captured the boy’s wrists in his grasp and pinned him down to the mattress, almost mimicking what he’d done the night prior. Suzuya smirked, secretly enjoying Kaneki’s dominant side on the rare occasions it came out. Although, ever since the two reunited at the 11th Ward, Kaneki’s dominant personality was consuming more and more of the ghoul.

“I think you’re enjoying this too much,” Kaneki remarked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, a little,” he remarked. “If you woke me up like this, I’d be in a much better mood.”

Without warning, the slamming open of a door could be heard from the floor level of the building, and the loud, flamboyant voice of an all-too-familiar ghoul declaring his arrival. Kaneki could feel a headache coming just by the sound of it.

“Hm,” Kaneki sighed in annoyance. “Let’s hurry.”

“Why? Who’s that?”

“Ugh. Tsukiyama. He’s a part of my group here but he’s weird. I don’t want him to smell you, he might eat you like he tried to do to me.”

“You have bad taste in friends.”

Kaneki shook his head and tried to suppress a chuckle, throwing some of his own clothes over at the nude investigator on his bed. The ghoul watched as Suzuya effortlessly slipped into his white button-up shirt, admiring the way the light color contrasted heavily with the dark markings etched across that slender neck. He was always mesmerized by the simplist of things that Suzuya did, even dress for the day. His daydreaming ended when Suzuya let out a frustrated groan while he harshly tossed the pillows and blankets around in search for something.

“Where is it? Where did it faaaall…”

“What are you looking for?”

“My pin...my red pin is gone. I checked and I only have 4 on me.”

Kaneki smiled. “I’ll help.”

 

* * *

 

Although he was missing his bed, or rather, Kaneki’s bed, Suzuya couldn’t suppress a smile when he saw Mr. Shinohara rolling his way with a donut and a  carton of chocolate milk. The senior investigator was stuck in a wheelchair for a few days in and out of the hospital due to his previous injuries, which were much worse than Suzuya’s own. Even though he should have been resting, Shinohara insisted on occasionally coming down to give him updates on current investigations.  

“I can always count on you Mr. Shinohara~!” the boy exclaimed with outstretched arms and legs. “Wow you look like an old geezer in that thing!”

Shinohara chuckled at Suzuya’s behavior, even though it was of the ordinary. “No problem kid. Looks like you could use a coffee though, too bad it’s not to your liking.”

“Nu uh Mr. Shinohara, I had coffee once and I liked it. Tasty funny! I know someone who can make it really yummy for me.”

“Is that so? I’m glad you’re making some new friends. Just stay safe.”

“Don’t you mean they should stay safe from me?” Suzuya flashed a wicked grin.

“Yeah, yeah my bad. Anyways, let’s get working on this investigation.”

“All work and no play makes Shinohara a dull boy.”

Shinohara shook his head with a chuckle, setting his casefiles down on the meeting room table. As he watched his partner spin around in that swivel chair, humming happily to himself with a smudge of chocolate on his face, he noticed a mark peeking out under his shirt collar. In fact, now that looked at it again, there were more. Big ones. One almost looked like… teeth marks?

“Juuzou, when did this happen?” the Special Class pointed out in concern. “You should’ve reported a ghoul attack to me immediately…” He was shocked, of course. It was rare that his partner left with even a scratch in battle, besides the Lab Raid disaster that landed them both in the hospital.

“Huh?” the boy asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh! Last night. It’s no big deal Shinohara-san. He got me by surprise is all… That ghoul got what was coming to him.” With one of the most mischievous grins Suzuya could muster, he giggled at the memory of the night before, biting the inside of his cheek. The boy sighed and closed his eyes with a genuine, peaceful smile. He fantasized about seeing his favorite ghoul again soon. In fact, he wasn’t sure he could wait another day. He needed to indulge in this hunger he felt, perhaps the same hunger Kaneki conveyed through his actions.

Shinohara, on the other hand, was taken aback. Sure, Suzuya’s smirk and the manic gleam in his eye was normal, but that daydreaming look on his face was something completely odd to the senior investigator. It was almost as if he was recalling a happy memory of something… or someone. Very suspicious.

Wanting to change the subject, Shinohara darted his eyes around. “Is that a new shirt, Juuzou? Seems to fit you a lot nicer than the one I let you borrow.”

“No, not mine actually.”

Shinohara was sure he was digging his own grave at this point. He couldn’t process this information. First, Suzuya gives some angelic puppy-love sigh, then he admits to not wearing his own clothes. It could only means one thing.

Juuzou was seeing someone.

 

* * *

 

“I thought we were doing an investigation, not an interrogation. Of me!”

“I’m just watching out for your well-being, Juuzou!”

“You don’t have to! You’re starting to bug me!”

“Just tell me so I can sleep better at night.”

“Old people don’t need help sleeping.”

“Juuzou--”

“It’s none of your business, I’m an aduuult!”

After storming out of the meeting room, Suzuya fled to the nearest fire escape stairwell and ran up and up and up until he reached the very top, to the place he needed most to calm down in these types of situations. The roof. He remembered all the times he was compared to a cat by his fellow investigators, the few he was acquainted to at least. Always somewhere high, they’d say, always getting into trouble, too curious, too sneaky. Perhaps that’s why he always felt so drawn to those animals, maybe?

On the farthest edge of the building, he sat, dangling his tiny feet off above the city below. His slipper was holding on to dear life to his big toe, so close to falling down to the streets below.

He thought of the words Kaneki said to him.

I love you.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki had practically mastered the art of coffee-making, despite his leave of absence from the well-known Anteiku of the 20th Ward. It’s not like he hadn’t been practicing, however. In fact, he was getting better and better every morning when he put his skills to the test. His hideout’s other occupants, Hinami, Banjou, sometimes Tsukiyama, all enjoyed a cup every now and then while available. Kaneki wouldn’t admit it, but he was secretly proud of himself. Maybe even Touka would be awestruck with his progress, whatever she was doing nowadays.

Kaneki had become very fond of his “Kaneki Kru”, especially in the mornings when everyone would come together, albeit sleepily, and greet each other. Banjou would groan in annoyance whenever Tsukiyama came barging in with a new bouquet everyday for Hinami, to which she was delighted.

This morning was a little different though.

After a long shower with Suzuya--which was more kissing and touching than washing, to be honest-- Kaneki led him out the back door to avoid conflict with any of his other housemates. Remembering to write down detailed directions on how to get back, Kaneki sent him on his way, with a long kiss, of course.

Kaneki, while making his way into the kitchen to start on his coffee, felt the thick awkwardness in the air around him. He tried to ignore it, but it was extremely uncomfortable how Banjou and Hinami were sitting silently on the couch like that, not saying a word to him.

The silence was broken when Tsukiyama came dancing in from the room over, spinning around only to hand Kaneki a random flower.

“Ah, mon chéri, is that your delicious homemade coffee I smell?”

“Don’t call me that,” Kaneki sighed, shaking his head.

Kaneki was grateful for Tsukiyama’s non-awkward behavior, even though it was borderline creepy and intrusive as usual. Maybe the reason he’s acting so casual is because he didn’t stay the night and have to hear…

“Que c'est, hm? You’re smelling awfully sweet this morning, Kaneki-kun. How delectable. Like one of Anteiku’s own fresh pastries!”

It was going to be one hell of a morning.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a little later, and Suzuya became calm enough to pry himself from the roof of the CCG building down the stairwells, and he just so happened to run into his partner on the way down.

“Ah, Juuzou, I was just about to come find you.”

“Really, why?” he replied nonchalantly.

Shinohara was rubbing the back of his neck, an awkward frown forming. “I wanted to apologize for prying into your business. You’re right. You’re old enough to make decisions on your own.”

“Hmmm…” Suzuya tapped his foot, and smirked, jumping down the stairs to the door at the end of the stairway. He turned, facing his embarrassed partner. “Don’t sweat it! I’m not mad. Just wanted you to admit I’m an adult~” He stuck up his tongue and giggled, opening the door to take his leave, Shinohara rolling after him.

“You can’t blame an old man for worrying!” he yelled after him.

“You’re not that old, I was kidding before!”

 

* * *

 

Suzuya was done with his paperwork. Not even in a sense that he even finished it--in fact he hardly looked at it-- but he was just mentally and emotionally drained from being forced to sit down all day trying to read these tiny, stupid words. He was planning on seeing Kaneki at some point today, because let’s face it, patience wasn’t a trait he worked well with.

He knew Shinohara would shake his head in disappointment, but getting out of the CCG hellhole sounded like a much better option. He’d worry about the speech later. In no time, he was already on his way to see Kaneki, after making a run for it…

 

* * *

 

 

“Onii-san!” Hinami called from another room. Kaneki put his book down, cramming in a makeshift bookmark.

“Yes, Hinami?” he responded, getting up out of bed.

She appeared in the doorway, a little smile on her face. “You friend is here…”

Friend? he thought. Someone from Anteiku? Or…

“Marvelous! Exquisite! An aroma that challenges even Kaneki’s own signature scent. What could this be? Such a pleasure to meet y--”

Kaneki was down there in a split second the moment he heard Tsukiyama open his mouth. It could only mean one thing, and he was right.

Suzuya was standing there at the door, his view being blocked by the tall, overbearing Tsukiyama. And, oh god, Tsukiyama was about to do the hand-kissy french thing. No way in hell.

“Kaneki~!” Suzuya exclaimed before it could go down, pulling away and running over. Kaneki found himself almost on the floor with the amount of force going into the huge hug Suzuya just gave him.

Tucking a strand of long hair behind the boy’s ear, Kaneki looked at him in confusion. “What are you doing back so soon?” he asked curiously.

“Work is boring, so I left. Wanted to see you of course! But I was greeted by some of your friends,” he waved to Tsukiyama, who grinned and rubbed his chin. “He was very gentleman-like, don’t worry.”

Kaneki sighed in frustration, though Suzuya was seemingly oblivious to the discomfort he felt by the interaction between his lover and the one and only Tsukiyama. It gave him the chills, knowing that Tsukiyama previously owned a Ghoul restaurant and Suzuya was once a scrapper forced to partake in the whole process...

“My room,” Kaneki beckoned, a vein almost popping from hearing Tsukiyama’s chuckle.

The ghoul slammed and locked the door behind them, almost cornering Suzuya with his slightly menacing presence. “I told you, it’s not safe to interact with… with him at least. It’s better if you come--”

“Sneaking in? In the middle of the night?” he mused with a smirk, rolling his eyes.

“Suzuya,” he said seriously. “It’s dangerous. When you fight a ghoul, they’re the ones wearing the masks, not you. There’s no way of knowing if you had fought one of them in the past. You’re not exactly someone who’s easy to forget. And for them… you smell stronger than your average person. Some ghouls don’t have self-control.”

“Like you?”  

Kaneki was at a loss for words on this one. “That’s… different.”

“Is it?” Suzuya smiled smugly. “I bet if you didn’t know me… you’d devour me in a second.”

“Don’t say that,” Kaneki shook his head and turned away, dreading the thought of hurting Suzuya more than he already has. He couldn’t bear it. He could not live with himself if he gave Suzuya anymore scars. It was never his intention to injure someone who he held so close to his heart. The fact that Suzuya remained unafraid of him was a blessing, but perhaps a curse in a way.

He was torn from his cynical train of thought when he felt the comforting warmth of the boy in front of him, arms now wrapped around his torso with incredible might. Kaneki was looking down at the top of Suzuya’s little head, as he was taller just a few inches. It was nice though. Having someone so small in his arms. He felt that he could protect him when they were like this, press his head to his chest with the palm of his hand. They were in their own world for just the two of them.

Suzuya smiled when Kaneki pressed his warm lips against his forehead. They lingered for a moment, then the ghoul took his hand and led him to the bed where they were just the previous night. Suzuya was already getting used to it, though it was different from the one at Kaneki’s previous residence. He had no room to complain, however. Becoming accustomed to Kaneki’s new home was nothing compared to the hell he endured the months he went without him. Without enough money saved, he was something like a street rat, going place to place, crashing wherever there was room and doing his best to cut off all the sweets. But being here meant that the odds were starting to be in his favor.

“Ne, Kaneki,” he nudged.

“Hm?”

Suzuya had the sensation that he tongue was almost tied, mouth too full of words he wanted to say but couldn’t bring himself to convey. He didn’t want to say too much of what he felt, because in reality he was overwhelmed by what he was feeling. He feared he couldn’t stop the words from overflowing. Some of these feelings just didn’t match up with the words he was familiar with, and the dissociation between them was frustrating when he wanted to show how he felt. One step at a time, he reminded himself.  

“I don’t wanna sneak around anymore,” he spoke solemnly. “I want to stay like this.”

The ghoul smiled, but the action itself only added to the misery he felt in his chest at the unfairness of life. The entire point of isolating himself from Anteiku was to protect them, but he was still unable to protect Suzuya, who was sided with the people trying to wipe out ghoul-kind entirely. How wonderful would it be if he was still just a Literature Major at the University, and fate could still somehow bring the two of them together? Kaneki could envision his younger self in awe at the bravery of Suzuya being a member of the CCG. There’d be nothing to agonize over like separation and the effects of becoming a ghoul. Kaneki was done with it.

“Live with me then” he blurted out.

“Huh?”

“I…” he sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against his lover’s own. “I want you to live with me. I’ve been having some thoughts. I want to go back to Anteiku...and I plan on talking to my old manager about it. It will be just like before, but you can stay with me this time.”

“Are you serious?” Suzuya’s eyes almost looked like they were going to pop out of his head, they were so wide. He had gotten his face so close to Kaneki’s that their noses were touching, and he was only pressing onward.

“Yes, I’m serious.”

The investigator needed a moment to absorb this new information, to soak it all in because he’d never felt this kind of eagerness before. He could live with Kaneki. They could be a real couple like the one he saw the other day… Doing couple-y things like holding hands... kissing...dates. It was a foreign concept to him, but he’s snuck into enough movies to know about the whole package. He squealed in exhilaration.

“I will, I will~!” he chimed. “I’ll be a good boy for you, I swear, I won’t be a problem!”

Kaneki chuckled in amusement. “You’re a problem child, but you’re mine to handle.”

Suzuya could only grin from ear to ear, proceeding to squeeze the life out of Kaneki with an embrace.

Maybe his life was finally coming together. Like… the CCG found him for a reason, and that reason was Kaneki this whole time. He’d become an investigator just to find Kaneki through all odds, over and over again like he had. They’d just keep coming back to each other and never get enough. It’s what he wanted. Needed. He needed stability. No more breakdowns... disassociation with reality. The two of them could be happy.

 

* * *

 

 

But how could a tragedy possibly have a happy ending?

 

Days had passed, and soon it was already mid-July, the summer going by as quickly as it came. Suzuya really didn’t mind it, though. As Shinohara was still in the process of recovering from the Lab-Raid incident, Suzuya busied himself on an independent assignment patiently until he heard back regarding Shinohara’s condition, which was coming in day to day with more positive updates.

Suzuya’s favorite part of the whole “independent assignment” thing was the fact that he could just screw around, like a vacation! Work, work, work, see Kaneki, work again, which meant killing some ghouls on the side. But today, he wasn’t doing any of that. He had his face buried into a sketchbook with a handful of crayons. He may or may not have snatched it from a store, but that was beside the point.

When he was younger, he never imagined animals to be so big. The pictures in the books Mama showed him failed to convey the size of some of these creatures. Elephants, hippos, giraffes… Giraffes, just like what Mama showed him! He wanted to draw one to remember what it looked like later. Lots and lots of dots.

It was a pleasant surprise to have Shinohara sneak up on him and pay him a visit. He sure looked a lot happier out of that hospital wheely chair, that’s for sure! Maybe he could convince him to buy him one of those stuffed animals later… his pockets weren’t big enough.

“You like animals, don’t you Juuzou?”

“Oh, yeah~ It’s fun to think of them in cross-sections. But when they’re alive, they’re nice and fuzzy!”

“Heh, you sure know how to speak your mind, kid.”

The Special Class investigator sat down on the bench with him, sighing as his smile faded into a frown.

“So what’re you doing here, Mr. Shinohara?”

“Well, I’ve gotten confirmation that we’ve been assigned to another raid. You’ve heard of the SSS Ranked Owl, haven’t you?”

Suzuya nodded, listening attentively.

“We’ve finally run into some luck on his whereabouts. We are assigned to the Owl Extermination Unit.”

“Wow… is the Owl, strong, Mr. Shinohara?”

“Stronger than any ghoul we’ve faced. Our lives will be at risk. There’s a good chance I won’t make it this time, actually.”

“Wow… wow! I’ve never even heard of an SSS-Ranked ghoul before… This is so exciting~ I can’t wait to fight him.”

Shinohara smiled solemnly. Reaching out his hand, he ruffled Suzuya’s head of white hair, much to the boy’s confusion. The teacher and student stared at each other, one with his curious eyes and the other with a hard gaze only someone of his age could muster.

“You know, Juuzou, if you were to be killed, I’d be very sad.”

“...?” Suzuya’s eyes widened, those black pupils enlarging at the words. It was strange, he thought, that maybe there was someone else in this world who cared enough to say such words. To make everything seem alright. To feel safe.

Standing up to stretch, Shinohara chuckled. “But I know you’ll be just fine, Juuzou. You always are.”

With that, he handed the young investigator the envelop containing the information for the Owl Extermination, a document that he would neglect to read until much, much later...

 

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squads partake in the Owl Extermination and the raid on Anteiku. Miscommunication causes conflicts as Suzuya disobeys orders to find Kaneki.

“...?” Suzuya’s eyes widened, those black pupils enlarging at the words. It was strange, he thought, that maybe there was someone else in this world who cared enough to say such words. To make everything seem alright. To feel safe.

Standing up to stretch, Shinohara chuckled. “But I know you’ll be just fine, Juuzou. You always are.”

With that, he handed the young investigator the envelop containing the information for the Owl Extermination, a document that he would neglect to read until much, much later…

 

* * *

 

He betrayed me.

It was the only possible explanation to what was happening right now. It was the only god damn thing racing through Kaneki’s brain as his emotions drove him into a rampage. How could I be such a fool? How could I be so careless?

The moment Yomo told him about the oncoming raid of Anteiku, he just knew. He fucking knew it. Suzuya is a Ghoul Investigator, after all. He was bred to kill ghouls. He lives and breathes for it. He’s the Rize of human-kind. Ruthless, manipulative, beautiful…

It had been days since Suzuya last came to visit, and Yomo informed him of the raid just recently. Of course, he got what he wanted out of him to the last drop of information he could find and then fled back to the CCG. It only made sense. Why did he let himself get involved? Why did he have to let his guard down? He should have cut things off the moment he found out he was an investigator… but maybe by that time, it was already too late.

Kaneki was going to protect Anteiku… even if it meant killing the one he loved.

 

* * *

 

 

“Let me go, let ME GO, LET ME GO, Shinohara!”

“Juuzou! Get a hold of yourself! It’s time to gear up and head out, we’re already running late. We’re in the Owl Extermination Unit, remember?”

Suzuya was hysterical. He was lost. He was devastated. And it was all his fault. This was all his fault. He didn’t look at the damn file. He didn’t warn Kaneki. Everything was going to be ruined, and it was all because of his negligence.

“I don’t care anymore! You don’t get it, YOU DON’T!” he was frantically scrambling for the door, but his path was blocked by the indomitable Shinohara, who was only trying to talk some sense into the crazed boy. The two of them were the only ones left in the supply-lockers to get their gear on and head out, but Suzuya became distraught the moment Shinohara mentioned where they were headed. Anteiku. The place where he first encountered his Kaneki, the place he knew Kaneki would return to in order to protect those left. Location never mattered to Suzuya during missions and raids, so he never cared about the final destination, only about killing. He should have this time. He knew he should have.

“LET GO OF ME!” Suzuya screamed, thrashing his arms around when Shinohara tried to get him to hold still. “I need to go, I need to, need to, I… I...he’s…” No longer able to form a complete thought, Suzuya’s breathing became more and more out of control. He fell to his knees, struck dizzy by hyperventilation.

“Juuzou, calm down, please, breathe easy. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“He’s...he’s there…”

“Who? The owl?”

“No…”

“Juuzou, please,” Shinohara begged.

The agitated investigator grabbed Shinohara’s shoulder, looking right at him with his huge, red, almost puffy eyes. “He told me he loved me. He worked there… at Anteiku. I need to go to him, Shinohara. Please.”

The older investigator was baffled for a moment, not expecting Suzuya to actually open up about this, let alone plead for passage. He finally understood now. His student and partner really was growing up, and was experiencing something completely foreign. Desperation, longing, guilt. He was just a boy eager to protect the one he loves, and he’d be damned if he stopped him.

“Gear up. Meet me back at the front lines once it’s clear. Our squad will be just fine.”

Suzuya looked up at his mentor. His partner for years. The person who practically raised him into society, from a problem child to a 2nd Class Investigator. At that moment, he was so happy, so relieved. He nodded in understanding, and went on his way with Jason in hand.

 

* * *

 

 

Damn it, damn it, damn it…! Suzuya cursed silently as he fought his way across the ghoul-infested streets of the 20th Ward.

The battle had already begun, and it truly was a warzone at every corner. The CCG’s armored vehicles lined the streets at every block, with investigators stationed according to squad, rank, and ability. Although the number of investigators shipped in from numerous wards was impressive, the amount of ghouls retaliating was far more alarming. He could hear the battle through the tiny bud in his ear, different squad leaders stating their location and situation. It wasn’t anticipated that Squads 2 and 3 would be tied up with the infamous Black Dog and Devil Ape, but it was something that was prepared for in any case. Those squads were more than able to handle those two, seeing as their squad leaders were capable in rank.

He knew that he was specifically selected with Shinohara and Kuroiwa’s squad on the front lines, but he couldn’t shake this awful feeling… that this was his fault. He was disobeying orders. He could lose his ranks, lose his job, lose everything, but this was something he needed to do. Shinohara told him it’d be fine, that he’d cover for him, and that just the two of them would hold off the Owl until Suzuya returned. He hoped Shinohara wasn’t lying.

This was taking too damn long… How was he supposed to find Kaneki during this chaos?

He fought onward.

 

* * *

 

Suzuya knew he was getting closer to Anteiku now. It was no mistake. A pang of nostalgia was pulling down on his heart as he ran through this route. It was the same route he used to take, back then. It was somehow different now, though.

He used to get lost trying to find Anteiku sometimes. Back then, it was always to and from Kaneki’s apartment, then back to the CCG all over again. His slippers wore out because of all that walking during that chilly month. The snow would melt all over them until the color bled and his toes turned white. But he didn’t care back then. He didn’t know, either. That Kaneki was a ghoul. That he’d grow so attached. That maybe it’d turn into love. At least that’s how Kaneki worded it. All because Suzuya snatched that wallet. All this because of a stupid wallet!

“We have an emergency situation…” the static in his ear caught his attention. “Squad 2 and 3’s positions have been compromised. Squad leaders unresponsive. Target now heading for main force!”

Suzuya paused. That meant Special Class Tanakamaru and Associate Special Class Hachikawa were down. What kind of ghoul would be able to take out high-ranking investigators like that in such a short amount of time? Only one ghoul, they said… If Squad 2 and 3 have been bypassed, that only meant there was one more squad standing in their way.

Suzuya quickly changed frequencies to match up with Squad 4’s. That’s when he heard it.

“Squad Leader Amon has made contact with the enemy at point D! His opponent is… the Centipede.”

 

* * *

 

He was desperate now. Distressed beyond belief. He was charging alley through alley, building after building in some muddled attempt to get to their location, not knowing their precise whereabouts. If only he read that damn file! It all comes down to his negligence, doesn’t it? Point D… point D… Has to be here somewhere. He swung Jason to the ground in frustration.

“2nd Class Suzuya Juuzou, is it?” a voice came from behind him. Suzuya gripped Jason’s handle tight, turning to face a fellow investigator of the same rank. He had a face too boring to stick a name to. Suzuya glared daggers.

“I spotted you from my watch at the perimeter. Where is your squad?”

Suzuya dragged the tip of Jason’s blade against the concrete. “Not here.”

“Your orders are to assemble with Squad 1 at the front lines. This area is restricted for squad members.”

“Don’t fuck with me,” Suzuya spat. “And don’t get in my way. I’m not following those orders.”

“You leave me no choice but to report this to--”

Suzuya lunged forward. “I don’t have time for this!”

There was this crazed look in his eyes as he swung the blade of his Jason deep into his fellow investigator’s arm just as he was trying to defend himself from the blow. The man screamed.

“I don’t care who gets in my way. If you piss me off, I’ll kill you.”

The nameless investigator who previously presented himself all high and mighty was now backed up against a wall, clutching his blood-drenched arm in an attempt to cover the wound, but that gash was deep enough to see bone. The man must have realized this when his fingers dipped right into his own flesh like it was nothing. He inhaled sharply, and his screams begun.

“I’m on your side! Why would you--! Gah, you won’t get away with this, they’ll lock you up like a ghoul. You’re crazy!”

“Aw, you gonna tell on me?” Suzuya, said, pretending to look hurt.

“That’s right…”

“How will you do that if you’re…” Lifting his quinque high with one hand, he took a step forward. “...dead?” And like Death himself, he swung his scythe with deadly precision, and all was quiet. A small pool of blood was starting to form around his little red slippers, so he smeared the blood around with one foot, looking up at the lifeless body. The man’s head was almost dangling from what was left of his neck.

Suzuya sighed. Killing didn’t give him the same thrill it used to.

He just needed to find Kaneki.

Gripping his weapon tightly, he looked up to the sky. He didn’t realize it had started to rain.

I know I’m close to Squad 4… I have to be. Kaneki, I’m coming. With that thought, his urgency kicked in and he started to sprint. I have to find him. I have to tell him… that I’m sorry. That I didn’t mean for this…

The rain was really starting to come down, now, leaving Suzuya’s slippers soggy with rain water. He almost tripped with how heavy they were, but it would do little to stop him.

Suzuya halted immediately when he spotted a few investigators scurrying around on the main street. Some were exiting the armored truck, others were on their handheld communication devices with a concerned frown. This was it. The area assigned to Squad 4.

Biting the inside of his lip, Suzuya appeared from within the alley of the side street, making his way through the crowd of frantic investigators. He pushed through them, but they were crashing down against him like a current of bodies. He was shoving them now, making his way to another vehicle station at point D, where he stumbled upon the ruins of this street, or what was left of it. It was obvious that there was a battle here… The concrete of the street was smashed and crumpled in multiple areas, while telephone wires were snapped only to droop down onto sidewalks like vines. He marveled at the destruction, but his gut knew the dread that awaited.

To his left, he spotted the last CCG vehicle in the area, an investigator talking through his earpiece in frustration, slamming his fists down at the dashboard. Suzuya ran over to him.

“2nd Class Suzuya Juuzou reporting as backup. What’s the situation?” he asked, trying to sound like he was actually meant to be there.

“Ah, thank god… Investigator Amon was taking down the Centipede, but… the altercation became vicious. Neither Amon nor the ghoul can be found.”

“Point me in the direction they were last seen.”

 

* * *

 

There was the faint sound of rushing water somewhere close, like a waterfall or something of the sort. It was so close, but the noises just echoed into numbness. It was cooler down here. Dark, almost eerie. There was a splash with every step he took, every stumble.

“I’ll save the manager… I’ll save everyone. I will protect… no, no… need to eat. Flesh. Kill someone… Ahh please don’t die. Kill...take...take. It’s mine, mine, MINE, MINE!”

Falling to his knees, there was another splash, but the sound was drowned out by the shrill screams that ricocheted off the walls of those sewers. “STOP IT STOP STOP STOPITSTOPSTOP! IT’S MINE! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY BODY!”

“ I was told by my mentor… that it was important for me to take back ownership of myself… to uh, remember that my body belongs to me. Positive body image, I guess.”

Kaneki stopped dead still. There was that angelic voice in his head again, playing over and over and over… He closed his eyes at the memory.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You do. You were born human, weren’t you? And now you’re a ghoul. You’ve had something taken from you. Is that not the same?”

He remembered this day. It was recent. Right after the CCG stormed in Kanou’s lab. After he hurt Suzuya yet again. But he came back to find him anyway.

“You’re right… something was taken against my will. The human part of me.”

“Maybe that’s why I find myself drawn to you.”

“Suzuya...why did you...why did you lie…”

“Suzuya,” the ghoul whispered against the boy’s neck, “when it’s all over, I’ll come back to you no matter what. I love you.”

That’s right… he said he’d come back. Find him. It was something Suzuya also promised.

“You’ll come back… if you don’t, I’ll find you.”

Kaneki wondered if that was what Suzuya was doing now. Waiting, like a hunter with a cage trap. Or searching, like a predator stalking his prey. Either way, Kaneki knew Suzuya’s true intentions now… He was a liar. Just a leech starving for information. It was Kaneki’s own fault for trusting him, for falling so deep into that smile, that laugh, and that childish demeanor. Every night they spent entwined in each other's arms under a pile of blankets on that tiny bed. He was so perfect. And Kaneki still loved him.

“Kaneki! Are you here? Kaneki, please,” a voice called from above.

But he would have to kill him.

 

* * *

 

 

The immediate distress of the situation was rapidly causing Suzuya to realize that Kaneki could perhaps be dead at this point. Amon may have finished him off by now, and got himself killed in the process. It was rumored that the science division of the CCG was developing some new type of armored quinque for Amon, and the terrifying power of those weapons could combat even the nastiest of ghouls. Suzuya was distraught at the image of Kaneki, defeated to pieces and left on the street to be cleaned up like trash. Or the other alternative, captured, only to be interrogated and tortured by the most notorious of investigators. Suzuya would never allow that to happen. He had to keep searching.

With that thought in mind, he called out Kaneki’s name desperately.

‘Please be alive… you still have promises to keep.’

A loud ‘clang’ caught his attention suddenly. The investigator turned toward the source of the sound, listening for its direction. A hunched figure from the distance approached him.

“Suz...zu...ya…”

The investigator felt his heart skip a beat, as if it stopped for a split second at the sight of his monstrous lover. Kaneki was drenched head to toe, some blood, some water from a guess. That wasn’t the problem, though. It was his kagune. Just like the time during the lab raid, a half-kakuja mask partially covered his face. The scales of his kagune were jagged, uneven and sticking up in random directions as if it were the fur of a threatened animal. Lastly, there was that unmistakable kagune… the centipede, tailing off from his back onto the ground, dragging behind him. He looked like some twisted creature from hell.

“Kaneki…” he said in disbelief, taking a cautious step forward. “I found you… we need to go, Kaneki. The routes are blocked. They’re after you.”

There was no response from the deranged ghoul before him, just the irrational stare from the unsettling eyes visible from that strange half-Kakuja mask, his human eye whited out completely. Suzuya stepped forward again cautiously. “Kaneki?” His words only earned him an animalistic snarl in return, his scaled kagune shifting to point at him in defense, like a threatened animal.

‘Does he...understand me?’ Suzuya thought to himself, horrified. “Kaneki, please, it’s me… Juuzou,” he tried to smile through his uncertainty.

A twisted laugh erupted from the ghoul’s lips as he raised his head up to the storming sky, then back down to complete silence. Suzuya’s smile froze. “You...did this.”

“What?”

“You DID THIS!”

Suzuya only had enough time to deflect the oncoming blows. They were swift, coming one after another like a lightning strike, quick as they were unexpected. The investigator was pushed back as he attempted to fend off the attacks with Jason, but any more and he would lose his balance. Just as another hit was coming, Suzuya took the opportunity to throw Jason behind him and dodge the attack, doing a flip back to grab his Quinque again, his slippers skidding against the concrete. Kaneki, dazed at the boy’s change in position, snarled again, showing bloodied teeth.

“Is that what you really think?!” Suzuya demanded, getting Jason in position. “I thought you knew me better than that.” The boy sprinted head-first toward Kaneki like a bullet, allowing his pent-up frustration take control at last. All this searching, all this trouble, and for what? To be accused of leaking information? That was real funny… So funny it made his blood boil.

“You know me,” he growled, ferociously swinging Jason in rapid motions. Kaneki was having trouble dodging it, seeing as his multi-kagune made for a large target. He was using his rinkaku to deflect the attacks, but that came with a harsh price. Jason made it easy to slice into even the hardest scales on Kaneki’s kagune. The muscle was starting to wear down, and Kaneki drew back slightly. Suzuya, seeing this as a good opportunity, used every ounce of strength to slice off one of the oncoming limbs of the attacking kagune. The stump left behind shriveled back into Kaneki’s body, withdrawing, as Kaneki let out an ungodly screech.

“Liar,” he spat in disgust.

Suzuya, too busy trying to weaken the rinkaku, didn’t have time to register the oncoming kakuja that made up Kaneki’s ‘centipede.’ The additional kagune snuck up from his blind spot on the side, successfully swatting him off his feet like a pathetic fly. The boy went crashing into the nearest wall, dropping his weapon. He was knelt on his knees and elbows, watching blood start to drip down from the side of his head that hit the hard brick. He felt dizziness, and the wind was momentarily knocked out of him. He held his side and took in a deep breath to recover from that hit. He received no time, however, when tendril of Kaneki’s rinkaku was snarled around his ankle, throwing him yet again across the concrete. He hissed as the ground friction tore at his elbows, blood dragging against the dirt. As he attempted to stand, he found that his foot was useless, seeing as Kaneki did a job on that ankle.

‘I’m fucked…’ he cursed to himself silently. He looked around desperately for his weapon, spotting it and instantly trying to reach for it. His efforts were put to an end when another tendril took a hold of that same swelling ankle, and dragged him across the concrete ground toward the ghoul. Suzuya shrieked in frustration and terror, his knees being torn up slowly. He bit his lip as his blood dragged across the wet ground. With all his might, he struggled, kicking and thrashing around like a fish on a hook, and that’s exactly what he felt like. He just hoped he’d be thrown back into the water instead of being eaten. But when he spun around to meet eyes with Kaneki, he knew which one was coming. He panicked.

“Let me go LET ME GO, GET OFF YOU IDIOT, GET OFF OF ME!”

It was the first time he feared for his own life. Or was he really fearing for Kaneki’s life? Because he knew that once the ghoul came back to his senses, he wouldn’t be able to live with the consequences. Yes… that was it.

With all of this chaos, he had almost forgotten about his Bikaku… Scorpion. He always carried some just in case Jason failed him, and that’s what he was going to use. His shaky hand reached inside his armored CCG uniform, and stabbed wildly at the kagune wrapped around his ankle.

“Stop it, stop stop stop!!!”

He got a few good slashes in, but Kaneki was having none of it. The ghoul used his additional tendrils to hold down the other leg, and the kagune-wielding hand. And with Kaneki’s own hands, he grabbed the pale throat before him, and pinned Suzuya’s  free wrist to the ground.

“Get off! Get your hands off me!” he screamed, still struggling to move. But it was too much. Too much to see Kaneki turn into a monster, with that one human eye he loved gone from sight. He was light-headed. He felt weak. He was looking right at the person who confessed his love for him not too long ago, and now he was trying to take his life.

“Ka...ne...ki?” he struggled to ask. It was strange. It was as if he wasn’t even looking at the same Kanki anymore, but the one he first met, properly of course, at Anteiku. With that black hair, a bit shorter, and a nervous smile. Genuine, though, Suzuya could tell. Everything was different back then, he thought. The boy didn’t give a care in the world about anything, besides killing ghouls and maybe getting a better quinque. Running around and eating sweets. Causing trouble. When did it all start changing? When did this start? It had been what, eight...nine months, but somehow he felt as if he’d aged years. He didn’t regret it, though. Never would be able to.

“You’re mine.”

“I know…yeah. I am…”

‘I’m still yours,’ Suzuya thought as he closed his eyes, recalling their past together.

“You can’t hurt me, can you?”

“It’s a shame, isn’t it? You were the only ghoul… who…” He hesitated. “Who was good to me.”

“It can’t go back to how it used to, huh…”

“Come back to me… Why can’t we play our game, it was fun, it was… Why can’t you just go back to being my favorite toy? Even though someone already broke you, I still want you back, I still do…”

‘I still want you, even if you’ve become a monster.’

 

* * *

 

 

It was getting harder to remember the person he was before meeting Kaneki. At first it was like, hey, this is pretty fun. Pretty amazing, actually. He wasn’t rude like everyone else. He didn’t look at him with those eyes he hated, that cold expression full of suspicion and scrutiny. Kaneki always wanted to know more about him and never hid that curiosity, either. He was different from the rest, a little withdrawn at times, but no less affectionate.

He used to love his eyes, he remembered. Eyes still capable of widening in disbelief, whether it be in amazement or affliction. They were never the same after Aogiri, though. He remembered.  The torment that replaced them. What happened, exactly, to cause that amount of anguish to take over his being completely? His eyes became a ruthless, neverending thunderstorm that had no hope of clearing.

He was staring at them now.

The circumstances of their situation flooded his vision instantaneously, his mind fighting away the darkness that almost overtook him. There was this treacherous ache that became apparent throughout his body, and his head was spinning. It dazed him for a moment, because pain was not something he was particularly used to, but it was subtle. It faded as he fully opened his eyes.

It was cold, he could deduct that much. And wet. His damp hair was sticking to his face and neck, while the rest lie in a forming rain puddle beneath his head, probably muddied from the ground. His wrists were still pinned down beyond his control, but his fingers felt almost numb.

“Kaneki…” he spoke in a hushed, scratchy voice.

He could see the ghoul right in front of him, their faces only inches away. Kaneki’s kakuja mask had disappeared at last, but the expression that replaced it was no better. Lips trembling, Kaneki bared his teeth and tightened his hold on Suzuya’s wrists, slamming them back down forcefully. He closed his eyes, face all scrunched together as if he was in pain.

“I can’t,” he choked. “I could never.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not, I was going to eat you, I-I know I was…”

“But you didn’t.”

Kaneki trembled and shook his head furiously, taking in a deep breath before letting it all out in the form of sobs, his entire body quaking as he cried out his agony. With his forehead pressed up against Suzuya’s chest in this weakened state, he barely noticed the wrists slipping free from his hands only to cradle his head gently, running slender fingers through his messy hair. Suzuya could almost hear Kaneki’s words the first time they wound up in this same situation during the Lab Raid. “I’d give anything...to be that person again.” The investigator smiled out of pure melancholy. This thing they had, whatever it was, undoubtedly drove them both into the most catastrophic mess the world has ever seen. But Suzuya would surely do it all again if given the chance. He kissed the top of Kaneki’s head, sighing.

Kaneki was silent for a while, enjoying the sensation of Suzuya’s small hands running through his hair. It felt like what they used to, before everything fell apart. He wondered when that was, exactly…

“Kaneki,” Suzuya began, “we need to get out of here…”

The ghoul gazed into Suzuya’s hesitant eyes, which scanned the surrounding area in uncertainty. Understanding what he meant, Kaneki strained to stand on his two feet, as a sharp throbbing made itself known throughout his entire body. He tried keeping it to himself.

Suzuya also found it difficult to get up on his own until Kaneki grabbed his arm and put it around his shoulder. With dried blood covering Suzuya’s elbows, knees, and fingers, Kaneki could hardly keep focus, partly because of the guilt he felt from the damage he’d done… partly because of his ghoulish need for strength.

Kaneki began heading towards the direction of Anteiku. With whatever strength he had left, he still had a mission in mind.

“Kaneki, no, we’re going the wrong way...we can’t…”

“What is the right way, then? To your superiors?”

Suzuya’s stomach almost dropped. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Kaneki seemed to be avoiding looking at him, his cold gaze facing ahead. “You knew”

Suzuya had enough, and tore away from Kaneki, distraught.

“You knew about Anteiku…”

The baffled investigator took a step back, accidentally managing to lean on his sprained ankle, collapsed backward against the wall of a building. Eyes wide with dismay, he realized that there was still much left to be done. His slipping composure was proof of this.

“You’re wrong,” he pleaded. “Just listen to wh--”

“No,” Kaneki turned, slamming his firsts on either side of his head against the brick, using enough force to crack it. “You listen to me. I’m not here to play games.”

Suzuya mouth closed shut. The pulsing glow of Kaneki’s kakugan was so close and so horridly vivid. Veins were popping out from all angles, stained with the deep black of his cornea. The boy held his breath.

“You were the only outsider who knew about Anteiku, besides one. Tell me, did you suspect I was a ghoul from the beginning? Is that why you refused to tell me you were an investigator?”

“I didn’t know about anything.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

Suzuya was fed up. An irate growl escape his lips as he clenched his teeth together furiously. With a fierce spark of newly found rage, he used both hands grab Kaneki by his clothes, then push him back almost to the point of tripping. “I’m not lying, you fucking idiot.” Before Kaneki could regain his balance, Suzuya forced him back down with his elbow plunging right into his neck. “You piss me off!” he yelled.

Before being able to land another blow, Kaneki grabbed the boy’s arms and held him back with all his might. For someone as small as Suzuya, it was unusually difficult.

“I don’t want to fight you.”

“Too late!” Suzuya replied, hurling a swift kick at Kaneki’s side. “After all the shit we’ve been through, and you still come up with this garbage.”

Before Kaneki stumbled to the ground, he grabbed onto Suzuya’s arm again, dragging him down with him. “You’re one of them, aren’t you!” Kaneki argued, struggling to hold Suzuya back from landing another hit.

“I wasn’t given a choice!” he kicked and thrashed as the both of them argued, rolling around on the slick ground. “I had no family, no where to live. They threw me into the academy! No one ever, EVER asked me what I wanted!”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?! To kill the ghouls who took everything away? For revenge!”

“NO!” he screamed, pulling his arms away from Kaneki to cover his face, withdrawing into himself. He trembled silently. “I didn’t want this...not any of this…”

Kaneki was taken aback. He was very still watching the boy curl up, shielding himself from his gaze. It was very apparent in Kaneki’s mind that, in this very moment, Suzuya resembled a child. He couldn’t argue anymore. He couldn’t fight like this. Sighing, Kaneki let himself lean up against the alley wall that almost enclosed the two. His legs were still resting on top of Suzuya’s, feeling the vibration of the shaking boy. He tried getting the boy’s attention by touching his shoulder, but he only flinched.

“What was it then...what did you want back then?”

Suzuya laughed dryly. “I...can’t even remember. I just wanted to do whatever I felt like. No one telling me what to do…”

“How did that turn out?” Kaneki smiled tiredly.

“Hah, very funny.”

Kaneki managed to coax Suzuya out of his little ball when he wrapped both arms around his thin body, pulling him up and into his embrace. They investigator showed little resistance this time as he wholeheartedly welcomed Kaneki’s touch. With a sigh, he pressed his head up against the ghoul’s chest, listening to his slow, beating heart.

“I was telling the truth, you know,” Suzuya said.

“I know that now... I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

“This is my fault, though. I should have… should’ve told you. But big dummy Juuzou didn’t find out until it was too late. I ruined it, ruined everything.”

Kaneki squeezed Suzuya protectively. “Even if you had told me, what could I have done to prevent this?”

Suzuya went silent, because Kaneki wasn’t wrong in the slightest. It’s not as if they would have been able to stop the CCG from raiding the 20th Ward. They couldn’t have protected each other, seeing as they fought for opposite sides. Everything would have remained the same, but who knows? It was too late now. The only question was what they were going to do next. Where would they go? They couldn’t even stay together, for god’s sake. Kaneki was already spotted and tagged by the CCG, branded as a highly dangerous SS-Ranked ghoul, and there was probably a hunt for his head by now. Suzuya was stumped this time. He really didn’t think this through before actually finding Kaneki. What were his options? Stay with Kaneki, only to be reported missing by the CCG? Or better yet, they find out, and he’s a wanted fugitive. How could they live like that? How could they possibly be happy living in hiding? In fear? They couldn’t. There had to be another option.

“Suzuya… I still need to fight. It’s not over yet. I have to find my Manager. There are still people I need to protect.”

“Are you crazy?” Suzuya argued, sitting up to face Kaneki. “You’re too weak. You have no idea how strong some of the other investigators are! You’ll die!”

“I don’t care,” he replied, struggling to stand. “I need to protect them…”

He was much paler than he was moments ago, the effort of standing making the blood drain from his head. In a dizzy spell, he almost toppled over if it wasn’t for Suzuya grabbing him to keep his balance. It was then the boy noticed the puddle of blood from where Kaneki was sitting only a second ago. Suzuya’s eyes widened when he realized his hands were stained red as well, the warm fluid damping Kaneki’s clothing.

“Kaneki--”

“Shh,” the ghoul hushed the boy, putting a hand over his mouth. “Someone’s coming…”

A pair of marching footsteps could be heard in the distance thanks to Kaneki’s enhanced senses. It had to be investigators, since this area had been swarming with him. The aftermath of his battle with Amon must have attracted even more of them like flies to a corpse.

“There he is!”

“Fire!”

“Shit!” Kaneki cursed as Q bullets came flying in their direction, the two investigators firing recklessly without bothering to notice Suzuya’s presence at all. In a desperate attempt to shield the boy, Kaneki released his kagune once again to absorb the hits as he blocked any stray bullet from hitting Suzuya. His kagune didn’t deflect all of them, however. Kaneki screamed in anguish as some of the bullet lodged right into his calves, shoulders, and neck.

The firing stopped, and Kaneki fell to his knees as his kagune withdrew back into his body. Suzuya’s breathing stopped for a moment. He watched his lover fall to the ground in agony, trembling as he started to bleed out even more.

‘This can’t be real,’ he thought numbly as a disturbing calm began to wash over him. Kaneki was looking right at him, blood streaks traveling from his mouth to his chin. Almost by instinct, Suzuya reached for a spare Scorpion knife in his shirt, slowly. He lifted his head, looking at the investigators who dared fire towards them.

“Isn’t that…?”

“2nd Class--?”

But they weren’t given the time to register who he was before they were slain by the trembling hands of Suzuya.

The investigator could hear nothing as he destroyed them. There was this ringing that he couldn’t shake off. The sounds of the rain crashing down against the pavement no longer filled his ears. There was nothing but this empty numbness as he fought. It was the same coping mechanism he used as a scrapper, like closing your eyes at the scary part of a movie. When you open them back up, it’s over and done and the credits are rolling.

It was a voice in his ear that tore through the nothingness, slowly.

“...on his way...repeat...Special Class Arima is on his way. Squad 4 please respond.”

When Suzuya’s vision came back into focus, he was kneeling down in a puddle of blood and carnage. What was left of the investigators was very little. Most of them were strewn over the alley walls and ground, in parts and pieces still connected by the tendons. He was certain in this moment of horror that even ghouls would fear what he’s capable of doing to the fragile bodies of human beings. Months of fighting ghouls made him forget how soft humans were, how easily a sharp knife can bring a man down to his knees, slice after slice. For some reason, he kept remembering these things that Shinohara used to tell him after bad incidents with people, like that police officer for instance. He’d say, ‘investigators don’t hurt humans,’ or something along those lines. Suzuya wasn’t good at listening when he didn’t want to. But right now, he felt so detached from the person he was then. He couldn’t understand what he was supposed to do anymore. Killing ghouls was such a simple order, but it became so fucked up once he got involved with one. This was what, the third human he’d killed today, getting in his way again. Why did he keep fucking up?

He was retching now, and he wasn’t sure why. This was too overwhelming. He was leaning down on his elbows, grabbing fistfuls of hair in frustration, breathing hard. That’s when he felt a gentle hand touch his wrist.

Kaneki managed to crawl over there despite his serious condition, a somber frown showing as he slowly shook his head. Suzuya looked up at him. “You don’t have to do this anymore,” he said.  “No more killing. It’s okay.”

Kaneki pulled the boy into a comforting embrace, Suzuya sighing as he found himself more calm the second he heard his heart beating. But it couldn’t last long, because the device in his ear filled his head with static, then that voice from earlier. ‘Special Class Arima is almost in position. Squad 4, still awaiting response.’

Suzuya jolted out of his state of tranquility, breaking away from Kaneki’s hold. Frantically, his eyes darted side to side as he kneeled back up. “We need to go, we need to go right now, Kaneki come on, let’s just go.”

Kaneki was trying to shush the panicking boy, but he kept pushing away and looking around. “What? What is it?” he asked.

“He’s coming, a Special Class. He’s strong, Kaneki. Come on, let’s go.”

Kaneki went silent and still, much to Suzuya’s concern. Usually, he’d see Suzuya fearless. Unafraid of anything or anyone for that matter, but now what he was seeing was his desperation. His need to get them both to safety, perhaps. But Kaneki was far too weak at the moment to be able to protect the both of them from ghouls and investigators alike. The same went for Suzuya. Kaneki stared at him, seeing his swelling ankle, torn up knees and elbows, and the way his balance was far from graceful. He couldn’t protect them both. They couldn’t escape safely.

“He’s close then?” Kaneki asked.

“Yeah…”

“Please understand…” He closed his eyes. “You’ll have to go on without me.”

In a split second, his kagune was out, pinning Suzuya against the alley wall. The boy was thrashing in confusing, glaring daggers at the ghoul. Kaneki was being gentle, but it was enough to keep him still. Suzuya knew what he was doing. “Let me go, don’t do this!”

Kaneki said nothing.

“Stop it, stop, come on!”

Suzuya grunted. He tightened his grip on the knife in his hand and took a stab down into the kagune holding him in place. Kaneki’s kagune recoiled for a moment, but only went back into action a moment later. He was trying to get the knife out of Suzuya’s hands, swinging his kagune left to right to knock it out of the way, but Suzuya was still quick for someone with a torn ligament.

Kaneki was clever, though. He used an additional kagune appendage to sneak up and successful trip Suzuya on his bad ankle, to his displeasure. The knife was knocked out of his grasp, and he was once again held down in place like before.

“Don’t do it,” Suzuya begged. “There’s still time…”

Kaneki wasn’t looking at his lover anymore, however. He was looking straight past him right beyond the scattered mess of the two investigators who tried to stop them earlier. He was looking at a man, and Kaneki knew it had to be the one Suzuya was talking about. He was the famous investigator Arima, feared by ghouls and humans alike. He glanced back at Suzuya.

“You’ll find me. You always do,” Kaneki said with a smile.

Then he was stabbed with Arima’s quinque, skewered right before Suzuya’s eyes. Arima didn’t hesitate to kick Kaneki off effortlessly. Suzuya felt sick as he was helped up.

“Your squad needs you, Rank 2 Suzuya Juuzou. Special Class Shinohara is in critical condition. I will take care of this one.”

Suzuya’s mouth fell open. “Shinohara...is…” What was that supposed to mean? What happened to the other squad members who were supposed to be backing him up? Shinohara said he’d be fine, that he could handle the owl with the new quinque technology he had. Was it just a lie?

Arima turned to his target with his intimidating composure.. Kaneki was struggling back up with his gaze hazily locked on Suzuya at that point, a silent demand being communicated between them. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t lose Shinohara, or it would be all his fault for abandoning his squad. But if he did leave, he would lose Kaneki, wouldn’t he? His inner turmoil was leaving him without many options, so he stood in front of Arima, words on the tip of his tongue. The Special Class investigator stared with his usual cold gaze.

“He’s human…half,” he muttered. “Don’t kill him, please.”

Suzuya quickly turned his head around to take a quick look at Kaneki, hoping he was out of earshot. The ghoul was leaning up against the wall, still shooting him that same glare. When Suzuya looked back at Arima, there was an understanding between them with the nod of his head.

Then, Suzuya took off in a sprint down the alley. He sped back to where his discarded quinque lay and snatched it quickly. He was rushing toward his squad’s location as fast as he could with a fucked up foot, a dreadful feeling bubbling up from within. He was a mess, he knew it, worse than he’d ever been before. He lost his composure long ago, and it was a fact that it was dragging him down a hole of burden.

But he couldn’t lose Shinohara. He wasn’t going through that. He was going to help his squad kill the owl once and for all, and Shinohara would be safe. Then, he would save Kaneki, too. He could help him escape, and this mess would be like a bad dream that left a few permanent scars. Suzuya could leave the CCG and never have to be sworn under those ridiculous oaths that bound him to the organization. He could be free to live with Kaneki without suspicion just like they always wanted. Their happy ending was in sight. It was so close.

He was almost there, now, climbing the building where some investigators on standby said the battle was taking place. The air was so much colder and crisp after the rain had stopped. His slippers were heavy with rainwater, and making each step a bit more difficult. His feet made a sploshing sound in the rooftop puddles whenever he splashed through them in a rush. Jason felt heavy in his grip as he approached the battle scene, and his breath was caught in his throat.

 

He kept going, though, because he refused to lose anyone tonight.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Raid of Anteiku comes to a close. Suzuya deals with the aftermath over time.

He just didn’t expect to lose so much that night.

With every ounce of sweat that fell off his straining body, every streak of blood through his white hair, and each tear that burned his bloodshot eyes, he thought it would have been enough sacrifice to hold everything together. But as he fought, the sacrifices became more and more. Were these efforts not enough to suffice for a victory? For life? ....Love?

His agility was drained from his body like a used up battery. He had no more life in him as he kept charging at the Owl with nothing but one leg and his Quinque substituting as the other. Everything was getting fuzzy, but he could still see Shinohara there at the edge. He could still save him, couldn’t he? Shinohara was too important for him to lose now. They had come so far as partners...as friends. _You saved me....why can’t I save you?_ Suzuya recalled the night he was surrounded by a cheering, masked crowd of monsters. He was younger then. His knife trembled in his hand as he counted by tens. There was this screaming man beneath that he referred to as nothing but a target. A means of gaining praise, nothing more. Then, everything went dark, and more screams flooded the room. The next thing Suzuya saw was Shinohara, who appeared so large standing in front of the light pouring in through the door behind him. He would be the person to carry him out of that dreaded place he called home for as long as he could remember. He would be the person to reintegrate him back into society. He was more than a partner, more than a friend. He was a parent. So why couldn’t he save him? Just hang on, hang in there… It was something he used to say to the people and ghouls he killed, but now he was saying it to himself. Hang in there.

He couldn’t anymore.

 

* * *

 

What happened in the next few hours was never clear to him. He collapsed. Taken down in a stretcher. Apparently there were so many investigators dead and injured, it looked like the aftermath of a warzone. Bodies lined the streets. Investigator after investigator, while ambulances rushed bodies with urgency. Some doctors and nurses were stationed to assist the injured who were not in serious condition, tending to minor wounds and wrapping sprains. The injured were sorted into categories of green, yellow, and red depending on the seriousness of their injuries, red being critical condition. Suzuya was sure his spot in the spectrum was the deepest of the reds. He was on a stretcher, waiting for an ambulance to take him. He lost so much blood, he was falling in and out of consciousness while they gave him oxygen.

He tossed his head side to side desperately, needing to know if Shinohara was going to make it, but it was so hard to see. All he could do was hear these voices around him, faceless echoes that dominated his senses. What stood out to him was this taste of blood in his mouth, probably his own, and it kept him thinking about Kaneki...about ghouls, and their hunger for blood and flesh. He thought about the few times Kaneki let that side overcome his human half, how he could have easily killed him at any time if it ever got too out of control. It didn’t, though...it didn’t. Even if it did, he’d forgive him, like he had a number of times before.

His ears were ringing, at what seemed like different waves of intensity that drowned out some of the panic around him. He came back to reality for a moment. It was then he heard an update on Special Class Arima. He had defeated the Centipede, then encountered the Owl. When the Owl retreated, he requested an escort to bring the Centipede’s body back for custody. What did it mean? Custody? Like Cochlea?

A group of CCG paramedics and investigators were moving together in a large group past him, followed by another stretcher. They were shouting, “make room, stay clear,” while a body was restrained with quinque steel. He couldn’t miss the patch of white hair that peeked out from underneath the blanket covering the body that passed him slowly. It was him, it had to be. With his remaining consciousness, he reached out and tugged the sheet off. Kaneki had to be alive. There’s no way. The CCG members carrying the stretcher stopped when they realized the cover was pulled away, looking back at the source of it.

What Suzuya saw was not Kaneki. It was just his lifeless body, his head with two gaping holes staring back at him. There was nothing.

He screamed.

 

* * *

 

Suzuya spend majority of his recovery holding hands and answering questions. He was getting really sick of the men in suits barging in at any time of the day needing him to file a report, needing all evidence to match up accordingly, requesting certain paperwork be filled out.

Although he was promoted to Associate Special Class investigator, he still had to go through a citation process due to being separated from his squad. Once he was given a temporary prosthetic, he was able to travel back to headquarters and swear that he had kept his oaths as an investigator and formerly accept his new ranking.

As for the fate of Kaneki, things took an interesting turn. Dual custody of the ghoul was given to Arima Kishou and Suzuya Juuzou. His body healed, but his mind did not. Because of his special circumstances of being the first known half-ghoul, half-human experiment, he was given the right to live outside of Cochlea as an investigator. His previous life was erased, all files hidden and destroyed, kept in top secrecy. Barely anyone knew who he was, let alone that he was part ghoul. He was even given a new name.

When informed that “Sasaki Haise” regained consciousness, Suzuya was not able to face him yet. Arima was one of the only investigators to have contact with him at first while he was evaluated, tested, and situated back into human life. It had become apparent among the inner circle overseeing Kaneki, all information being forwarded to Suzuya, that his confusion and emotional turmoil had him recommended for counseling during his recovery. Akira Mado was chosen to be his mentor during his training to become a suitable member of the CCG. It had become apparent to Suzuya, as updates were shared with him on a regular basis, that the CCG had their own agenda to transform Sasaki Haise into a clone of Arima, a perfect, half-human killing machine. Suzuya was restraining himself from letting his personal feelings disrupt the inhumane process that brainwashed his lover. He refused to participate in it, though. On repeat in his head, the words, “it’s not Kaneki” would soften the guilt, but it still sickened him. Internally, he yearned to be the one to put Kaneki back on his feet, even if he wasn’t the same person. It ached to have Arima and Akira manipulate him... He felt personally responsible, because he was supposed to have partial custody. He should have been there. In fact, Suzuya wanted to kill anyone who dared cramming some bullshit ideals, bullshit agenda into his healing brain. Whenever Suzuya’s thoughts wandered to that subject in particular, he raged. And the combination of pain medications and mood stabilizers, he became more destructive than he ever intended. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. Then, he would spiral back down to this depressive state of guilt. _I should have been there,_ he thought. _I should be there now._  It must have been strange for him at first, knowing that he was under the custody of two investigators, but only seeing them for so long.

Suzuya needed some time to adjust to his new life as an Associate Special Class. He was given the privilege of assembling his one squad, which was both excited and terrifying at the same time, seeing as they were his responsibility. There were all splendid investigators, however. His new prosthetic leg was also something to get used to, as well. It was designed and engineered by the work of the science division, customized to Suzuya’s every specification. It didn’t take long before he was back on his feet after physical therapy. He was ecstatic to be back in action.

He just didn’t know how to interact with this person who used to be Kaneki. His Kaneki. The thought of seeing him again kept him up at night, tossing and turning for a number of reasons. The main one being facing him, looking Kaneki in the eyes and knowing he remembers nothing of what they were...what they wanted to be. How could he go through this again? Introductions, getting to know each other, working together. He couldn’t do it. What if this person wasn’t Kaneki at all? He feared getting to know him, then realizing he’s just not the same person anymore. Who knows what he could be like? It was agonizing to think about. But the one thing that shook him was rejection. Suzuya would be lying if he said he didn’t think about being romantic with him again. It was all he thought about. But what if he tried initiating something with him out of habit, and this new Kaneki is repulsed. Refuses him. He avoided the 1st Ward at all costs, taking assignments in the 13th to keep himself busy.

 

* * *

 

It was inevitable that they would have to see each other again at some point.

Suzuya knew that after months of recovery time for the both of them, both mental and physical, it was time to face his demons. If he avoided this any longer, any hope to mend their relationship would be damaged beyond repair. He was aware that they would have to pair up on future investigations, work on cases together, see each other on a regular basis…

They were assigned to an investigation together, which gave Suzuya the initiative to properly introduce himself. He traveled back to the 1st Ward, where this Sasaki Haise awaited.

 

 

* * *

 

It was the hair that caught his eye at first. He noticed that white, trauma-induced strands at the end, but what stood out even more was the natural black peeking out at the roots, creeping in like ink on a blank page. It was strange to see that color coming back in, seeing as the white remained for months without change. He wondered what this meant for Kaneki. Maybe the trauma he faced, the unending devastation that stretched on for months and months, had finally come to an end. Maybe the life he lived before was able to continue and grow, and his body was becoming accustomed to a normal life once again. Maybe Suzuya was just getting his hopes up.

But he felt it in his demeanor, the way he looked around nervously, standing there all alone with his hand rubbing the back of his neck. He seemed taller somehow, those skinny pinstripe pants showing off his well-sculpted legs. Suzuya, smirked, an idea popping into his head. For old time’s sake.

Sasaki was still standing there unsuspectingly, straightening his tie as he went to walk toward the secretary’s desk. Before he had the chance to even take three steps, he was almost knocked over when a small, but surprisingly strong, person bumped right into him. He took a moment to compose himself, ready to apologize quickly, but his tongue was tied when he realized just who he bumped into.

“First Class Sasaki Haise,” Suzuya said sternly, “It’s disrespectful to run into your superior.”

“Uh, a-associate Special Class Suzuya!” the other investigator exclaimed, bowing down apologetically. “Please accept my apology!”

“How about you show me some identification? Badge, please.”

“Y-yes of course…” Sasaki replied, fumbling around in his pockets. The color in his face drained as he patted himself down searching for…Where is it, where is it! He started going into panic-mode, his face probably turning red from embarrassment.

“Looking for this?” Suzuya giggled, holding up the wallet Sasaki was looking for. Sasaki was mortified. And as for Suzuya, unable to keep up the “tough guy” act anymore, completely broke character and burst out laughing, tossing the wallet back to its rightful owner much to Sasaki’s confusion.

“I’m just messing around! Did I scare you? Your hair might go back to white,” he chuckled, reaching up to grab a lock of those white tips, his hand lingering probably longer than he intended.

“Oh...uh...it’s nice to meet you Associate Special Class Suzuya.”

“Come on, we’re the same age. No need for formalities! Besides, I have custody rights over you, _don’_ t I~? So you could say we’re already family!”

Sasaki cracked a smile, his tense shoulders relaxing, but still keeping his guard up due to his extreme nervousness. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.”

“So? We finally meet face to face. After all this time,” his smile faltered for a second.

Sasaki nodded in agreement. “I’ve heard so much about you, from everyone really. I’ve always...wanted to meet you. I mean, I’ve been really looking forward to it. It’s strange, because I’ve heard so much about you I feel like I already know you in a way.”

The shorter investigator felt the corners of his lips curve upward as he listened to the way Sasaki spoke nervously, those gray eyes darting around and fingers fidgeting, restless. In all honestly, it seemed as if he had too much caffeine in his system or something, typical of the Kaneki from the past who drank nothing but coffee and water constantly. Sometimes it would cause the ghoul to lose sleep, but Suzuya was always up for an all-nighter, sugary snacks and movies included. Maybe he’d be in the mood for Kaneki to read to him until they crashed after a sugar and/or caffeine rush. Those were the memories he knit close to his heart, and he unwove them when he fought, because they were the only things keeping his feet on the ground.

“I feel the same way,” he said with a grin, careful not to let the glimmer in his eyes give himself away. “Let’s get started, shall we! Somewhere comfy, I hope. Lead the way, I’ve been in the 13th Ward so long, I think I’ve gotten my directions all mixed up.”

“Of course, let’s get to work,” Sasaki agreed, leading Suzuya to the elevator and then towards their designated meeting room, unoccupied as it was assigned for squad leaders and mentors use only. Suzuya debated bringing Hanbee along for the visit to meet Sasaki for the first time, and it was no secret that Hanbee would have been overjoyed to accompany him, but he realized that confronting Sasaki was something Suzuya felt driven to do alone, despite the ache that came along with it.

Suzuya followed the other investigator closely as they walked, unable to keep his eyes from shifting over to that empty hand that hung at Sasaki’s hips. His first instinct was to take it into his, an impulse that craved their past moments under the sheets, raveled up like bundles the thread he kept stashed in the top drawer.

He kept his hand to himself, though. He had to. This just wasn’t the time to let their past relationship blur his view of their possible future, so he had to force himself to shake off those emotions and put on that mask of the joker for just a bit longer until they part. He would allow himself to feel when he got to his mess of a home.

But these kind of feelings just don’t go away, he soon found out.

 

* * *

 

The fact that Kaneki was defeated by Arima, the fact that his eyes were gouged out...the fact that his brain was punctured, tissue missing and replaced by two horrifying gaps in his skull only to, by some miracle, still be alive somehow...It had to mean something. His brain was forced to start from scratch, creating new cells in regeneration, his memories absent. Although he couldn’t remember the person he once was, Suzuya was confident that his survival was no mistake. Suzuya had believed that ever since the Anteiku Raid, he had lost the only people in his life that mattered to him. Dead to him. He wondered, now, why that had been his thought process all this time when, in reality, his important person had never left. Just because the Kaneki he once knew had vanished didn’t mean Kaneki was gone forever. He was just in a different state. Like water goes from liquid to solid, he was simply in a different state of consciousness perhaps, referred to as something different, but the chemical makeup was all the same. Suzuya was not able to detach himself from these feelings just because Kaneki had changed his ‘form’ again. In retrospect, Suzuya encountered the same circumstances in the past with Kaneki... when they ran into each other in the 11th Ward, after all that time, and when he turned into the detestable Centipede for the first time. He had changed then as well, and Suzuya was instantly aware of that fact the moment their eyes met. Kaneki was no longer the quiet bookworm who found himself flustered in strange, new situations. He became a person destroyed by tragedy, and the emptiness in his eyes reflected that...and yet, Suzuya still accepted him, still wanted him. It was like he said to Kaneki back then. _Even though someone already broke you, I still want you._ It was still true, and he’d be damned if he forgot about it.

If he could come to love Kaneki, he could learn to love Sasaki Haise as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has been eager and loyal in reading my story over this course of a year. A whole year! Of course, this ending leaves an open door for a sequel. I would have to think about that for sure, but I do know how I would write it. I will be writing more Suzuya/Kaneki(Haise) in the close future. Thank you again! Everyone. I love and appreciate all of your comments. It has been an amazing experience writing this for all of you. Follow me on tumblr for more updates on a possible sequel, story ideas, and open questions regarding story possibilities. suzuya-juuzilla.tumblr.com


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